Your hard time is exacerbated by your H's lovely throuple ideal. My H was very much out the door zero consideration was given to me or our relationship until OW was totally out of the picture. His plan was that we'd have a clean break and eventually be friends again some day. Now we both know he wouldn't have stuck to that, but that's what he had convinced himself of. I pushed back at first and asked him repeatedly why on Earth would I want to be friends with my cheating exH. I was honestly just being petty at first telling him that I just wanted him to be happy, because I knew he couldn't do the same. He didn't care about anyone else's happiness. And eventually I just really meant it. I loved him, and he didn't love me, and that was ok, I was going to be fine and I just wanted the person I loved so much to be happy. But if your H gets his way, there is no such thing as a clean break in his world.
Honestly the more things progress here I don't think it's so much that he loves AP and doesn't love you. I think it's he lusts/loves AP and loves/can't function without you. And wants both. If he had the option of a sister wife scenario I truly think he'd take it. And trust me I respect polyamory and structured open marriage but it's pretty clear that isn't what your H is looking for. He'd prefer both you and AP be locked in to him and no one else but him. My H had the cordiality to only sleep with one of us at a time, and to say he loves only one of us at a time. (with the exception of 1 time in the very very beginning of this mess when he tearfully confessed he loved us both) This goes to the monolith thing. I am able to be as calm and desirous of moving forward as I am because of how my H handled this A. He's gotten rid of all of OW's trinkets. He told me a lot of things about the A with out me ever asking a thing. He's removed OW from facebook, snapchat and twitter. She's still other places but baby steps. Your H chose the MR and still couldn't do the things a normal person who chooses the marriage should want to do just to make his partner feel secure and if nothing else so protect himself from witnessing the AP moving on. But even the latter was too much to ask.
You're fighting against a lot there May. I wouldn't hold yourself to literally any standards at this point. I think if you and the kids come out of this in once piece you've reached the highest plain of enlightenment one needs to achieve through an A and a likely S/D. I'm serious May. Be kind to yourself right now. You deserve it.
