It is hard for me to get up in arms about him wanting to know where I was going.
This is literally cake eating. He still wants to be your H (i.e. wants to know where you're going / what you're doing) but he doesn't want you to be his W (i.e he wants his non-M life as well). My H was the same when he first left (and for a long time after). Recently my H stormed off when I had the audacity to ask him to message me before coming around 'unexpectedly'. This is one of those arguments which has reared its head repeatedly since he moved out. I don't think it's because its got anything to do with me and everything because "THIS IS HIS HOUSE" and he doesn't want some other man staying in it. Cake eating.
The thing is May, you need to just let him stew in it and carry on regardless. I know that sometimes it feels wrong to put yourself first, and believe me when I tell you, he will make you feel that you are selfish and you are the one pushing you further away from each other. He will try and pull you back with kindness, and when he discovers that doesn't work, he will make you feel like it's your actions that are contributing to him wanting to choose her. But it isn't about him. It is about you choosing you. Because if you fall for the niceness he will just go back to his old ways. If you cave to the accusations, then he will go back to his old ways. If he is really willing to change then you will see his own 180's coming to the fore and they will be consistent. If he doesn't change, then you've chosen you and the you you choose will be wrinkle free.
Regarding the 'you didn't have sex with me for years'. This is an excuse and a way of turning his affair into something that is somehow your fault. He should have communicated those feelings so they could be addressed. I can't remember who said it, but we are all responsible for the failures in our M. But it is the WAW who throws it away and (well, not in your case) sets fire to it. All i can say is you have to forgive yourself for this. But you only have to take responsibility for your part in it and understand what led you to no longer want to have sex with your H. You are not responsible for his affair (that is on him). I get it by the way. After D10 was born we probably went down to a couple of times per week for a couple of years. Exhaustion, feeling taken for granted as well as sex seeming like just another wifely duty takes its toll on your sex life and it it goes on for too long, it becomes habit.
Originally Posted by May22
And, how much the pursuer-distancer dynamic is playing a part in this for me-- truth is, I didn't want him sexually or think about him all that much as a person until he no longer wanted me. Then it all came roaring back. is that just me wanting what I don't have? Someone took my toy away and I want it back?
Can I be honest, it is probably a bit of this. It's also a bit of your confidence is shattered and (in your head) you already know what it is like to be rejected by your H (this is a familiar pain), then the possibility of opening yourself up to someone new and risk being rejected by them. Fear of the unknown. You know my story. A part of me would rather sit in limbo knowing that there is little to no chance of my H coming back then risk being hurt again by someone else.
May, you are doing amazing. Continue to do things for you and you only and don't let him make you feel bad for doing them. If you must, take an interest in his life (MC etc) but try not to get invested in it. It is your own healing and growth that is important and should be your focus. Detachment is hard. But you can do it.
