Work today - loads of online meetings which are exhausting in their own strange way (and I don't think I will be back at work 'in person' in any sustained way before the New Year. I finished up a little early then spent some time with the kids then had a couple of old-fashioned phone chats with friends.
I suppose I am like a WAW. The anger I felt earlier last week - a great burst of fury - has totally gone. I think I was mainly angry at myself for taking all of this silliness for so long, and anger at myself for still having some kind of hope. I have more information regarding house value, and have booked chat with mortgage broker but I am definitely just information-gathering stage. There's no way I can kick him out, I'm not going to leave, and I suspect filing will provoke horrible behaviour from him and I want to make sure I am ready for that.
I don't really have an end-game in mind, actually. Not that it is a game. I mean a destination, or an expectation on outcome. I am just so bone-tired of having to check myself, or validate nonsense with a smile on my face, I think my sense of relief is just bone-deep at not having to do that any more. I will be truthful with myself and him, and won't participate in his immature behaviour. I have total control over that, and for the time being that feels like enough. I don't feel scared it will make him worse as I have a game plan for that, and I feel no responsibility for making him better, or trying to get anything 'nice' out of him. I guess this is detachment - however temporary it might be.
He did attempt a few 'hooks' into the old dynamic tonight. He was laying on the couch and told me he was feeling unhappy, and was tired of the constant conflict. It was all deep sighs and self pity. As far as I'm concerned, there hasn't been conflict - he's been behaving like a child, I've been telling him so, then ignoring it. There's plenty of things I could have said there, but he was drunk, so I just made a listening noise and said something like, 'at least it's the weekend now,' then got out of there. He's really unpleasant to be around at the best of times, but when he's drunk most things are more appealing than his company.
I wonder if I am a WAW. I didn't feel any urge to reassure or comfort him. Not any of the contempt or pity I sometimes feel either. No blame, no anger. I guess there will be sadness or uncertainty or fear in the future, but even though I don't know exactly what my plan is and I am not sure of how long it will take me to get there, I don't feel those things today. Just a really calm sense of, 'I'd really rather chat to my friends then go and read a book in the bath than interact with him right now,' and so that is what I am about to do.
