I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 17

[Liz11]

Kit -- I'm going to be a bit blunt here, because I really think you need to hear it. I'm so sorry things continue to spiral for you, and they really are spiraling *for you*...and I don't think they are for your husband. For whatever reason, your H has moved on, at least for the foreseeable future. I don't think it matters much with respect to your life and your future as to why he has moved on, but he has. From reading your posts, it seems like you spend so much time trying to dissect why he has done various things, why he has said various things, and why you are doing certain things and thinking certain things. You seem very "in your head" all of the time, and committed to expending so much of your day-to-day energy analyzing and analyzing. I don't think that's helping you. It just seems to build up like a pressure cooker and then, as a release, you contact him or respond to his seemingly manipulative efforts to contact you. Many people here, myself included, have seen these spirals, and have so much compassion for you. It's got to be so painful, and I don't think all of the introspection you personally do with yourself is helping you much. As odd as it sounds, I think you need to put down the self-help books, and use this forum to focus on you in the today...how you are feeling, what you are doing to reacquaint yourself with you, and what you want to do in the future separate from your identity with him.

I'm not saying there isn't value during this whole process of thinking about what went wrong, what you want to fix about yourself based on what went wrong, etc., but you've spent so much of your time and energy doing it yourself in your own head that you haven't even started to pull away. I think all of us have moments where we analyze and analyze and turn things over and over in our head, especially when we are hurting. I still do sometimes. It doesn't seem to do me any favors, and I know it's hard to not do. But this has become a very rote pattern for you, and it seems to me it's causing you so much pain. I've gently recommended counseling to you before. I don't think it's a fix-all by any means, but it's been one tool among many that has helped me during this process. My therapist has commented on things about myself that I hadn't thought of, and has served as one guide among many, including DB, people on this forum, and close friends. I think, at the very least, it would give you an hour a week and an outlet from someone who is trained to do the kind of introspection that you spend so much time doing on your own with books. It might even break up some of this cycle where you get caught overanalyzing yourself and your H.

I'm sorry if any of this lands harshly...it's really not my intention. I'm by no means the picture of stability at the moment. I just want you to get some semblance of calm back, even every now and then.

Anyway, as you've done with me so many times...(((HUGS))). I hope you have a good weekend.