Thanks for sharing this... there's a lot in there.
On the healing part, I feel a lot of similarities in how I think about it too. I don't want to live out my life being angry, or sad. I'm willing to do the work it takes to get past this stuff, if it comes to that. Maybe that is part of the reason that I'm holding on, because I don't see the path to forgiveness if we D, if he leaves me for another woman and I get that thrown in my face for the rest of my life every time we cross paths because of our girls. I just don't see how I can let go of that with her in the picture. Ever. Even my best case scenario of what a post-D world looks like, I'm with someone amazing and new and better in every way than H, and he's sad and alone and regretful with no friends. Maybe some cats. I just don't have it in me to be happy for him.
But I do see the path to forgiveness through R, M2.0, whatever. For me, though, it felt like the whole process would be so much easier if it was something we were doing together, as partners, not two lonely and sad people slowly making their way forward next to each other, but not really a team. That is what it had felt like for me. What I so admire about you is your ability to say... OK. that isn't an option right now. We aren't a team. What's the next best scenario? It is moving forward on my own with healing, and the fact that you can do that with your H in the house, without needing to create this whole narrative in your head about what an awful person he is in order to move on and let him go... that is powerful stuff. You're a few rungs ahead of me on the journey to enlightenment for sure, sister.
I'm just having a hard time. I'm so glad things are moving in the right direction for you, slowly but surely. You are an amazing, strong, and compassionate person. Thanks for being there. xx
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
