Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Alison, I am glad I didn't remark on it. I definitely would have a week ago. (Not to say I didn't go check later and see how much he's read.)

And, by you mentioning that, I was able to reframe coming home to him reading the book with a super clean house from "he's trying" or "he isn't so bad" to him setting up a little purposeful tableau, aimed at getting me to think just that.

It is hard for me to get up in arms about him wanting to know where I was going. If it were the other way around and I wasn't explicitly trying to not give a $hit I would have done the same, probably a lot less nicely. I know he's weirded out that I did something without telling him. I think it is just another sign that our R is not the same as it was before, for both of us, that the A and his deceptions have changed something fundamentally between us. All in all, probably not a bad thing for him to understand.

I also ordered a Ring security camera, which we had talked about loosely a few weeks ago, before he reignited with AP. The usual way this kind of thing happens is that I do a ton of research, get his input, and we make the decision together. This was reframed after BD as I made all the decisions and he just went along with it, but I think he's over that fiction these days. In this case, I decided to just buy what I wanted, also because if he moves out, I really do want a security camera set up. It came yesterday. H looked at it and then me and knew all of that processing in my head. He looked sad. He said you didn't talk to me about this. I said, no. He said, I get it.

Pommy, thanks for checking in. I have been thinking more and more about intermittent reinforcing as a dynamic in our R since the BDs. I am also trying to figure out why I am still standing, how much of it is a perception of "winning" or not wanting this to be my story enough that I'm ignoring really important aspects of what is happening *now*. And, how much the pursuer-distancer dynamic is playing a part in this for me-- truth is, I didn't want him sexually or think about him all that much as a person until he no longer wanted me. Then it all came roaring back. is that just me wanting what I don't have? Someone took my toy away and I want it back? I know he thinks that is the case, that I can't truly be "in love" with him anymore, because I didn't demonstrate it for all those years and also because he isn't "in love" with me and it needs both of us for the feeling to truly exist.

On the Botox thing, he did say I know I don't have a leg to stand on BUT, I can't believe you didn't tell me. I was like, you're right. You don't have leg to stand on. I didn't feel comfortable telling you. (I should have just left it at he didn't have a leg to stand on... not sure why I felt the need to justify myself to him.)

So no talk of A, AP, or R at all yesterday, so that's a positive. He did let me know that he has a 1-1 call with our MC today, to which I said ok great. (we joked a little that MC would be like daaaaaaaang WTF?) but no actual discussion.

We did talk about other stuff last night after the kids went to bed, coronavirus and some recent career-related conversations I've had. i hadn't planned on sharing any of that with him, I know I shouldn't have. That no talking unless absolutely necessary boundary is just not a real boundary for me yet. I know to my bones I can enforce it once he leaves. It still just feels artificial right now. I guess I still need to stew in the "he is not someone I need in my life in any way" narrative a bit more.