Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

I mean, I do look decent these days in a bathing suit Nothing like a year's worth of BDs to get rid of those last 15 lbs. I also spent some money on nice ones back in the fall which makes a difference too. Anyway, it is not moving me. It feels ridiculous. Not that he has ever said anything remotely negative about the way I look-- he's always been complimentary-- but it just feels like he is laying it on a bit thick.

He has been respectful, no trying to have any R talks the last 24 hours, just been kind and decent. Kind of annoying right as I decided to try to interpret his words as coming from a negative place, I haven't gotten much to work with. I missed a text from him last night wondering where I was with the kids and then he called a little after their bedtimes to see where we were (we were just leaving), he was nice and cool about it, just wondering what was up. I got home and he was laying in bed reading the Shirley Glass book. No words exchanged about it or anything. He volunteered to put the kids down so I could take a bath. (OK. It is just HARD to look at this as manipulation. The kids had made cookies and left the kitchen in a gigantic, crazy mess. like BAD. I went out with my good friend and our kids, had a blast, hung out for hours and hours with food and wine and chitchat, came home late to a spotless house, he gets the kids down so that I can take a bath, have a glass of wine, and go to sleep with zero bothering about R talks or anything. And it was honestly nice to have a tiny break from what is happening.)

But you guys!!! Today was my Botox appointment and I'd made sure earlier he could take the kids-- mentioned I had an appointment and didn't say what it was, he didn't ask. I got ready to leave and said hey, I'm leaving-- why-- I have an appointment-- oh right, what is it? I didn't respond. He asked again, dentist? I said no. He said, where are you going? Just tell me! I said it was no big deal but I didn't want to tell him. He kept pressing (nicely), is it safe? (yes) what if you get in a car accident on the way there? I need to know where you are! (if this wasn't Covid you would have no idea) Anyway, I kept saying look, it isn't a big deal, I just don't really feel comfortable telling you and maybe we can talk about it later. As I walk out the door he goes, I know. You're getting Botox, aren't you? UGH. This is something I wanted for a decade and we talked about off and on for awhile. I seriously considered it for my 40th BD but H was pretty against it and I decided it wasn't worth it. We probably haven't talked about it in TWO YEARS. This a-hole knows me SO WELL that he f-ing figures it out before I even walk out the door.

he called me in the car and asked why I didn't tell him. I explained minimally the situation-- been getting it for a year, since all this started because it was for me. I didn't feel like it was something I needed to tell him. I had been conflicted since February since we were in a different place and I felt like it was dishonest to do it without telling you, but also didn't really feel comfortable telling you. We got off the phone because a friend was trying to set up a zoom call for our daughters. he texted me Hey, you shouldn't have stopped getting it in February. I would have liked that you had done something for yourself, even if it isn't something I fully support. I responded, I wasn't planning on stopping.

So... still knows me really well. Good at pushing my GD buttons if that is what is going on. Will keep focusing on my boundaries and analyzing his behavior and words with my new filter.