Thank you for nudging me to update. I'm not much of a writer. I do read here most everyday. The newcomers and all the old threads.
I feel lower than low most days and like a failure at all of this. I have (at times, okay plenty of times) acted like a pathetic wretch and a crazy person. The past few months have been a doozy.
Days after my last post, I found out the A that H swore was over was not over. I was prepared (in as much as anyone can be) for that because of being here with you all but it still felt like a kick in the gut. Mostly because of the lies. Which had become so much better. More devious. After finding out about THAT I said "take a hike" and I meant it even though I was shaking. But then the world shut down and he came home for several months. Just showed up one day and said he was staying. Not "home" in any kind of real sense. In fact, he basically stated that he merely thought he ought to be less of a jerk and that he didn't think I could handle things alone during quarantine. And I was a mess and hurting and hopeful. So I let him.
There were plenty of days that felt normal and comforting. And plenty that just messed with my head and heart. As the weeks passed, I realized we were just in some kind of new limbo and he was/ is as ambivalent as ever. It became more than I could take. So I sent him back to his apartment and told him to figure out what he wants. But I can't go NC totally- there are kiddos and yard work and practical things. And we seem to get into the same cycle every time we see each other.
I don't have family and we moved here for his job so I don't really have friends or support here either. He *is* my support system. That isn't good I know. And it makes it all so much more terrifying. I am a SAHM and this is hardly the time to "start over" and find a job. I know whatever happens I will be okay. But I struggle with the shock and disbelief of it all. It has wounded my self esteem a lot. I am embarrassed that I'm not stronger.
