Continuing Forward

[may22]

(((HOPE)))

That is so lame of him to come in and put his feet on your table. OMG. I like Unchien's suggestion of using your body to deter him from coming into your house.

I know you had hope for H and I to reconcile at some point. Several people here did, and all my closest friends did too. It wasn’t just the kindness and the affection, I don’t think, though that played a part (including up to literally a week ago). It was also several conversations he initiated in which he wavered, times he told me straight out he could see that things could be good again, etc.

Honestly? I believe that he did feel that way. Honestly? I believe that he still does. But I also now believe (as I long suspected and hoped wasn’t the case) that he is one of the weakest kind. The kind who can see there is a chance to be a happy family again, and even partly wants to make that happen, but doesn’t have the guts to take the leap. I honestly think that the way he’s been over the last few months with the affection and the texting and just the way he was looking at me, was because he felt it, things building to something good between us slowly. And I think it scared the sh!t out of him, so he ran the other way and bolstered himself safely behind the wall of a new relationship.

I am sitting in this same space, within a different context, and with actually less positive reasons for H scaring himself away--I think best case scenario in my case, it was more starting to view the work of piecing and the facing the enormity of what he'd done that was scaring him along with FOMO with AP, not any real romantic feelings towards me. And that is my generous interpretation of what happened, not the lying cheating manipulative coward who is unable to face the consequences of his own choices and so is desperately trying to figure out how to get what he wants that he doesn't really care who he hurts in the process even while he pays lip service around that. (For me, I think it is probably healthier for me to embrace scenario two than one.)

But all that being said... when you say it doesn't matter... it really doesn't. Whether he ran because he is scared or ran because he didn't see what you think he saw or because he's a weak and cowardly man who can't face what he's done. The fact remains that he did run. I think that is the hardest thing to do, especially because we are programmed to always be looking for the best in people, especially our spouses and the father of our children. That we see the positives and remember all the good parts and want so badly to be able to give our children what they want and deserve.

If he can't stand up and be that person, then there is no point to waiting around for it to happen. He isn't able to give you what YOU need and deserve right now. And from all I've read, it is really important for a daughter of a single mom to see her mom tall and proud and happy, and you need to give THAT to her more than she needs a birthday with both of you together. I've also read that children of Ded parents often fantasize for years about their parents getting back together, and I wonder if having that pseudo-family time might draw that out more. So to the extent it doesn't help you in your quest to heal and move on and show your daughter a strong, kick-a$$ mom, even if it is positive for your D in the short-term to see you two together, keep your priorities in mind. It's like giving them that candy that feels good now but is not good for them in the long run.

Finally... if it helps... remember that sacred promise he broke and is continuing to break to D4 that we both feel? Use your anger around that to fuel your letting go. I know when we get to that place, that is my white line boundary that when crossed will give me a lot of strength. Maybe sitting with that-- because I know you and I feel similarly about this-- can help you?