There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your H back.
Even if you weren't the best W in the world you don't deserve this. That said, cheating is often an expression of anger. It can be useful to understand why he was angry -- but be careful: do not use that as an excuse to blame yourself. You are NOT guilty of creating this situation in any way.
You are panicking right now trying to do something, anything, to regain control over your life.
Recognize that you are in a state of panic -- there is no shame in that. You've been traumatized. When you are panicking, you will act without thinking things all the way through. You don't want to do that, so embrace that you are panicking and wait for it to pass before taking additional actions.
I get that the whole exchange was shameful.... COMPLETELY wrong of me to ask the same question twice. I don't know why he asked me why the self help books except maybe to see how desperate I am?
You are 100% right. He is sharing everything with her. He wants to please her and make her happy and they both smile at lowly and desperate I am if I am reading self help books on how to be a better wife.
To his credit --- he was not a total do*che. It was not uncommon for my H to say things like "its none of your business", "what does it matter" if I asked a question that he was annoyed by. This doesn't make it okay but when I came home from work I was awake and wanted to interact with my H who just got up and was sleepy... and when he got home all awake he wanted to chat with me and I'm like where's the caffeine. I was probably more tolerant of crabbiness than most people should have been.
And - when I said "to be a better wife and a better person"... he did chide with "too little too late" "don't care, I'm numb to it all now"
Your right he said nothing. But, he took the high road and held in any rude comments. I think this is a testament to how happy and relaxed he now is in his current life. Happy people don't go around making others miserable... So is it the kindergarten saying if you don't have anything nice don't say anything at all?
Don't get me wrong - he asked the question but didn't acknowledge the answer - not cool.
But, I can do nothing about this affair except give me additional fuel to bond over. DONE WITH THAT.
Last edited by job; 06/25/2007:08 PM. Reason: edited language
Your last post is why I gave you the advice I gave you on the mail situation. AT a minimum you should have been gone when he came to get his mail. Seeing him. His indifferent attitude (see how well detachment works!). All that set you back, and you weren't very far forward to begin with.
You are right - there had been more warmth the last 2 times he was over. THIS was a chilly reception. The only positive is that he brought the dog.
Everything a single thought crosses my mind I need to picture his demeanor - NO EYE CONTACT, emotionless face and for a jovial man that very harsh.
^^^^ YES, I need to keep this mental picture so that I stop making the mistakes. He is not interested at all in pursuing me no matter how many books I read.
I understand all I did was show him proof that I was the problem in his eyes... this isn't working because she has to read a book on how to be a good wife.
KC, have you ever thought of trying some sort of cognitive behavioral therapy? Could you share with us things that fulfill you outside of your relationship with your H or your male BFF? Maybe you could have those things available for you to turn to when you recognize the impulse to reach out to your H?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Here is the thing none of this matters in the grand scheme of things. 2-5 years from now he wont even remember the exchange. You will learn and grow from this experience. I really think you need IC to work on your self esteem.
Please stop touching the stove. One day at a time.
My goodness! Both hands must be blistered by now with touching that hot stove. I know it is very difficult to let go, i.e., drop the rope, but you have to do it. You do realize that the more you communicate w/him and ask questions, the more your mind is going to be working overtime and you are giving him entirely too much space in your head. I want to ask you a question...how long to you sit and analyze his every word/action after you've been around him or heard from him?
KC, you are now on thread 17...it's time to drop that rope and start focusing on your son's party and on YOU! No one is any more important than your son at this time. Your expectations of your son's father and your h have to be zero at all times for now. If his father shows up, that's fine, if your h shows up, that's fine...but you are the more important person in your son's life and he needs his mother to focus on him and his special day.
As for your h, leave him be. The more you touch that hot stove, the more you are going to spin and twirl in the wind. You are the only one that can stop the twirling. Also, I think it's time that you put those self help books away for a bit and focus on the here and now and get out there and enjoy your life for now. Books are great, but human interactions are far better for the self esteem. Go for a drive, stop by a cafe and have a cup of coffee or see what is open and take a walk into a business and just browse. Nothing says you have to purchase anything...turn your focus on to something other than your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks everyone!!!! I 100% know what a train wreck last night was --- poor judgement all the way around.
I realize he is NOT keeping my confidence of our interactions and is indeed sharing them with OW. He is loyal and protective of her --- this is why the last interaction was back to exceptionally cold.
All I need to do now if I have the slightest temptation to respond to him or initiate contact is picture his face with the complete lack of emotion. That is who he is. He is NOT the man who loved me and adored me even when I just couldn't be myself.
Everyone here wants the best for me. AND, I LOVE THAT.
Tonight I will focus on what I can that won't be around a computer or rely on my phone. There isn't a whole lot yet to do and if there is... its hard to get people to go out to do it. But I will make taking the dog for a walk a priority. I find the reading helping but I will make plans to go to a park to read. I will do some yard work and keep working on knitting my socks. AND, I will go to the store and start stocking up on what I need for S18 party.
Here's a thought for you. Instead of worrying about what he thinks or what he is up to. Shift the focus to you.
What do you deserve? What is your self-worth? How much do you value being respected? What is within your control when people overstep?
You really need to set boundaries.
For me, I've been down the road of forgiving my XW and allowing her back into my life. It had a lot to do with our children. I have no regrets for the good years that came of it.
This time, my dealbreaker was there being OM in the picture. Once the truth of OM being in the picture was revealed to me, I flipped my sitch on its head. I emailed my XW letting her know that I am aware of the truth. I let her know we will not be interacting outside of communication regarding our children and all interaction is to be done via email. I removed her from all my Social Media and blocked her. I communicated to her that I will on discussing anything regarding our children with her, and her alone. I removed her mom from Social Media and cut off all communication with her mom. This happened 2 weeks ago, and I reiterated the boundary with her mom this week. My XW has been completely respectful and I only had to send her call to voicemail once.
You have more control of your sitch than you realize.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
