Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for sharing that part of your story. And I am fine (now, took me some time) with you or anyone using the term 'abuse'-- I believe that an affair in and of itself is abusive, no matter how you want to justify it. And whether or not I use the term abuse, the behavior he is displaying right now-- trying to get me to agree with him, talking about AP even when I've told him I don't want to hear it, saying that not being friends with him if we split is my choice, not his, and would negatively affect the girls-- that is all totally f-ed up behavior and no matter where it comes from, it is not okay and I need to respect myself and my own boundaries enough to put a stop to it. I don't need to listen to it. Someone said to me on here (wayfinder?) just because his ship is floundering doesn't mean I need to go down with the ship. I need to step off and get into my own lifeboat.

I like your IC. Your H has been jerking you around for months at his whim. I agree with your IC and others like Blu that getting in touch with your anger will be a good thing.

However you label it (I hate labels generally), your H is definitely emotionally manipulative. He constantly [censored] you into R talks. I think setting some hard boundaries to limit this behavior will help you greatly. If you don't change this pattern, he has no reason to change and like others here I think it's not healthy at all for you.

Thanks, U. I'm going to do this today-- bright line boundary on no more R talk, no A talk, no AP talk, no fantasy D talk. I will use Alison's phrases and if necessary physically remove myself from the room. Not because I think those conversations are possibly detrimental to our R or because it is the DB rule to avoid R talks. Because after a week or so of support from this board, the talk with my friend on the weekend, my IC yesterday-- it is emotionally damaging to me to listen to that BS. My own emotional safety and security has taken a major hit and I need to start building it back up, not continuing to let it get beat down. I simply don't want to hear it and won't.

The other experiment I'm going to try over the next couple of days (tell me if you think this is a bad idea) is instead of inputing the best possible motive to everything he says or does... like I normally do... I'm going to imagine it comes from the worst motivation possible. So, the acts of service, the compliments (ugh, Pommy, I got another one last night when I got home-- that bathing suit looks really nice on you, eye roll), trying to get me to laugh, etc.-- just him trying to make sure he keeps the may option stable and open so he keeps the power seat. The R/AP talk-- simply unacceptable, trying to guilt/goad/box me into making the decision for him by kicking him out or browbeat me into agreeing to his ridiculous fantastical threesome, and even listening to that garbage is validating him in some way.

Hope this works. Wish me luck.