Turning lots of corners - DaB35 Part 8

[DaB35]

Had a best friend drop by today, on my day off from work. He’s setting himself up as a tradesman and had lots of queries to ask me about how it works, how he pays tax, etc. Was nice to see him. He was round for a good few hours, socially distanced of course.

He said he had texted my XW on her birthday last week but she didn’t respond. He then called her and she said “I can’t talk now, I’m in the park with friends.” Apparently she went with one person and a few others had showed up as a surprise. I said that was odd she fobbed him off like that. There’s no reason for her to ignore him. She even met him before she met me.

He asked how I was doing and I said things were going well with exercise and work, studying, hobbies etc. I do feel so much more confident. My view is that XW is simply justifying her decisions to her friends and family, by rubbishing me, presumably saying she’s happier now etc., even though she gave up a nice life. You know what? That’s fine - they, and she, have no idea of the amount of work I’ve put into my life since last year. She was very much going down the black and white opinion “Too little too late. You’re only doing this because you got caught.” You couldn’t explain things further with her. So stubborn. In a way I am glad I didn’t text her on her birthday.

I remember this time a year ago things were so up and down. Travelling a 90 mile round trip every few days to our house to see XW. Staying til 2 or 3am then driving back. Being totally exhausted at work. She would text ‘Hope you got home ok sweetie.’ Then, most confusingly, ‘I feel so guilty lying to my family about how much time we’re spending with each other.’ She had me on a hook, maybe not actively thinking that, but I ran to her if she showed the slightest bit of softening. Now I look back and wish I was stronger. I don’t understand why she ran away to her sister; even now my sister thinks that was a silly thing to do.

I believe I’ve sorted out my problems. I know this because recently I haven’t been feeling like I need to really address anything. Just keeping up the good work, and enjoying feeling less stressed, certainly not depressed. I wasn’t feeling that way because of XW, but I’d got entrenched in that way of thinking because of the pressures I’d put myself under to please her. In doing that, I ended up hurting her. But now, I get on with my own stuff. I have lots to do and feel positive.

The only negative thing is the fear I won’t find a nice place to live of my own. Just cannot afford anything. Cant even afford to rent. I try to squirrel away as much as I possibly can in savings, even though it’s nowhere near enough. But I try not to dwell too much on it.

I’ve enjoyed my random day off work so far. Might wash the car in the evening when it’s cooled down.