Moving On Rather Slowly

[SteveLW]

I understand the desire to be careful with the abuse label. My W accused me on and after BD, of having been abusive. Never physically, but she claimed I was emotionally abusive.

While I think that word gets overused in a lot of cases, and while I didn't like to see myself as an emotional abuser, it was a situation where her perspective was her reality. Certain my behavior over the years didn't make me innocent in those accusations. I had become an angry, bitter guy that would lash out. We had a SSM that weighed heavily on me. My W was never a great housekeeper. And before my D was born we shared the household duties. Though I probably did 60-70% of it only because I am a bit of a Type A, anal retentive, mildly OCD neat-freak. When my D was born we decided she would stay home and be a SAHM. And over the years her 50-60% housekeeping slipped to even less than it was prior to us having our D. I was routinely coming home from work, working 8-10 hours, and spending nearly an hour both ways to work, and doing a large amount of the housework. And I became pretty vocal about my displeasure over it. I would do it angrily, saying things under my breath. And would be passive-aggressive with her over it (I suffered from a moderate case of NGS). It got even worse when I took another job for a few years where I was working an avg of 70 hours a week, and at times 100+ hours/week.

By time BD in 2017 rolled around, I had been isolating myself from the family, in the MBR watching TV or being on my work laptop working. The only time I wasn't was when I was participating in my pastimes out of the house. Gun range, hunting, and affiliated activities (outdoor shows, working on the hunting property, etc).

Looking back, while I was not well-mannered, I certainly didn't feel abusive. But again, I cannot fault my W for feeling that way. So since that time I've learned two things:

1) Poor behavior can be viewed as abusive
2) The abused do not always recognize that they are being abused.

That second point is where my W was at. She didn't feel like I was abusive (she grew up in a home with a father that physically abused her mother), but as she discussed things with other people (her friends, EAPs etc) they would point out that what I was doing was abusive. And while I don't agree with it, again my behavior certainly didn't mean I could claim innocence either.

I think #2 above is important to keep in mind though. Being a doormat is never fun. Even if it isn't real abuse, sometimes LBWs especially don't recognize it. And while it may not feel all out abusive, it certainly is mistreatment. We can dismiss it as the WAS being angry, bitter, hurt, etc. I see LBSs that beat themselves up all the time. But the truth is that there is no excuse for the behavior of a WAS that mistreats, manipulates, lies to their LBS. So while I don't necessarily agree with you that he isn't being abusive, I could concur not to use that word as long as you realize that what he is doing is NOT okay. And it sounds like you do.