Quick recap-- H had a 2 year long distance PA. Two daughters, aged 8 and 10. I found out full extent at the end of December, we went through six weeks of DC and incredible ambivalence where H wanted both AP as a lover and me as best friend/co-parent. He decided to end the A in mid-February though his decision was based more on the kids, inability to continue the current situation for all of us because of the overwhelming stress, and AP's desire to have children (she's 11 years younger than me and H firmly does not want more children) rather than a desire for me as a wife. We had four months of getting along very well, enjoying family time with the lockdown, planning for the future. We stopped MC during lockdown as no childcare and H wanted to take a break given the potential stress of MC and quarantine together. Then a week and a half ago I found out that three weeks ago he got back in touch with AP-- she'd texted him to say she was moving on, he reached out to see if she was OK with the protests in her area-- and all of a sudden we have rewound back to January. He's scared he is going to miss out on this one chance to be happy, back to his fantasy D scenario where we remain best friends and we co-own the house and have dinner together with the kids, insisting that we make this decision together. (Which I refuse to do.) Blah blah blah. Oh, and AP loves him sooooo much she is willing to give up the chance to have children to be with him.
When I just typed that, I can't believe it has only been a week and a half since I was whiplashed from thinking I was maybe, maybe tiptoeing close to piecing with my H, planning a new consulting business for myself, and exhausting most of my mental energy on all the crazy and awful things that are happening in our country and our world right now into this awful gut-wrenching place again. At least I've lost those 7 lbs I'd put back on over quarantine.
Working on defining and enforcing my boundaries, exploring and embracing my anger towards H, really trying to think about whether or not this is someone I want in my life any more than absolutely necessary, let alone as my H. And, took a couple major steps today, consulting an attorney and talking to an IC (I had one appointment back in January with someone, didn't really click, and felt MC would suffice for me at that point. Now have weekly sessions set up with this IC who I like). I've been sitting in what splitting up might look and feel like, the concrete steps I'd want to take to move forward, and am becoming more and more comfortable with the idea.
Originally Posted by scout12
May, I get the sense you're uncomfortable with the word abuse being applied to your situation. Does it help to think of it in a literal sense - the exploitation of a power imbalance for personal gain? Or as wikipedia puts it - the improper usage of a thing to unfairly gain benefit. In your case, it's covert rather than overt.
Traumatic bonding can occur between the abuser and victim as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change and a climate of fear. I do wonder if this resonates with you at all.
Hi Scout, thanks for posting this. The literal meaning of the word does apply to my situation, for sure. Emotional manipulation, absolutely. My H knows all my pain points, mostly around the children, as well as how to butter me up (I'm a total acts of service girl) and so is pushing those buttons to guilt me into... what? I guess that is where I get a little stuck. No amount of talking on his part is going to get me to be okay with some sort of polygamous crazy train world that he imagines is possible. The current situation is not exactly fun for anyone. He's a wreck, I'm a wreck, kids are watching more TV than they should. (They actually think that part is pretty awesome.) I guess maybe he's sneaking calls or texts to AP and getting his jollies off on them, while still having the family home or whatever? I mean, that is pretty pathetic (for all of us). Maybe this is why I'm shying away from the term "abuse" since he isn't getting what he wants. I'm the big bad wife that won't sign off on his ticket to Fantasyland.
The other thing is as much as I've rolled my eyeballs at his narrative that I controlled everything in our R-- which *is* patently untrue-- I will say that to the extent there has been a power imbalance in our R, it probably has always resided a little more on my side than his throughout our M. I think that power struggles were part of the dynamic that led to the SSM-- not overt power struggles, but little things. It really is only since the A and explicitly since he told me what was going on and I made my position (far too) clear, that I wanted to stand for the M-- that the power shifted so dramatically to him. That isn't to excuse his current behavior at all, but it isn't part of a long-term pattern or cycle. And through all of this I'm learning a lot about my own controlling and manipulative behaviors that I wasn't even really aware of.
The IC conversation was helpful, and I think I can enforce my boundaries a bit better for having thought them through out loud with her. Alison, your boundaries posts have helped me so much here.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
