As our domestic helper tenure is expiring, I intend to renew her contract and told the wife that there will be salary increment for the helper and if she has any opinion as it still comes from our joint expenses.
She mentioned to me that we have yet resolve and are proceeding with the D. What will happen then? I told her well, if she like to proceed with the D, by all means go ahead. Eventually when everything transpire, I will see if to retain the helper or transfer her.
Wife then try to approach and suggest to me that perhaps we should share the helper thereafter. couple of days with me then couple of days with her when the children goes over.
Then I told her my intention with regards to the caregiving of the children. I told her that she can has visitation anytime she wants, but I do not agree with the overnight and overseas access. This was due to how she was handling the children previously which lead to the episode which my elder boy trying to kill himself.
Then it escalated from there. That I am denying her rights to the children, she was being nice to give me time to think about the divorce but yet I came up with such things, ada ada. I got kinda worked up and replied her on why I came to such decision. I reminded her on how she claimed she does not want the children when the bomb was dropped, her antics of being away and not being there. If she would like to challenge my decision, by all means. we will resolve everything through our lawyers and I will accept any judgement being passed, even if it meant me losing all custody or caregiving rights.
Then she burst into tears and start claiming which mother intends to give up the children and such and bring up all the past issues to defend herself or conveniently forgetting about her actions through this period to her advantage. With the crux of everything her previous EA but listing everything I done wrong and fault finding.
I told her, look. We are not divorce now so still at times, I do feel some responsibilities towards u and this family. If the papers are signed, I don't think I would even keep you as a friend. You would be the mother of my children but I do not wish to keep any relationship with you. You had been doing everything the way you wanted it and never thought of the effect it causes to others. I am telling you now, this is the outcome. And I know this outcome since the bomb dropped that how it will affect all of us.
I will have to look after the interest of the kids and myself and hers no more. Then she burst into tears again, talking about the past, like how "unavailable" I was to her, I never paid attention to her needs and she could not get my attention... I told her. What you wanted, you could at least communicated and get the point across. not just telling to everyone than me, then later you explode and cast the axe on everything.
I told her that I know her heart is shut now. No matter what I do or say, will not get into her. And she would even ridicule me on the effort I put in for the family. She tried to defend herself on this. I told her to go dig out what she wrote when I was running the chores and spending time with the kids. What kind of remarks she ridiculed me for that.
Told her I acknowledged her feelings. No fault of her feeling this way that she is now but then again it does not mean because she is feeling this way, her actions are right. Just this morning, she told me she wanted to throw away a sofa in the study because she got herself a new bed frame to sleep in there. I told her, you should have at least consulted. She then said that she already intended to throw the sofa away. Which I replied, the sofa does not belongs to you only. But this portion, I said in a calm tone.
The morning conversation caused me to teared as well. The sadness just surge upon me all of the sudden as I told her. I am not saying all these to smoother or to retain her. I know my voice and feelings will not reach her heart anyway. So she can just proceed with the divorce but, I am taking the stand to do what I think is right for the children and myself.
And although she can deny the reality in front of her, she would not know my feelings for her as her personal issues blinded her to me and it's always the person who is the closest took the greatest hit. Then, she had to leave because she is being late to conduct examinations for her students and our conversation just ended there.
Thereafter, I just dropped her a message telling her that, how everyone was concerned about her especially on her health and physical well being after she went on the path of recommended medication over these 2 years course by different practitioners and how frail she had become compare to how she looks like in the picture we took 2 years ago.
She replied yeah because she had to take care of her health as age is catching up. Then she thanked me for sharing my feelings in the morning. I told her that, well, I do not know if it would even reach her because it always seems she could not receive my intent from my actions.
It's such a long day. But no matter how it is meant to be, I have to carry on with my decision down that path...
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
