Moving On

[may22]

Oh Blu, I want that detachment more than anything. I think it is coming. I feel like the only way I can reach that state is through anger and I had it on Sunday one hundred percent. His behavior since then is whittling away at me, even if in my mind I know it is just manipulation, a part of me still wants to believe. I am desperately still grasping onto the anger by running through my mind all the a-hole things he has done and is doing and deliberately avoiding thinking of my children. I know I could do it if he left. But it just so hard in the day to day.

I think I really have shifted into believing him. That is a major change-- one that you asked me to do many months ago-- but that was the big change for me on Sunday. I believe him. He is in love with someone else. He gave away something that was only supposed to be for me, for two years. That is helping me feel more detached and gave me permission, somehow, to focus finally on what is best for me, not just for my children.

The other problem is... I also do believe him that he was trying to return to the M. That he did break it off with her and wasn't just BS-ing me. And in that space, without focusing on what had happened in the past or what may happen in the present, things were good and we were good friends. It was just not enough. He was too weak or not committed enough or too fearful of what he might be missing out on. I remember you saying it would be impressive for someone just to decide to do the right thing and do it-- you've never seen that. They have to experience the loss to understand it. And I remember thinking, well, maybe we're that tiny percentage that works out this way, where he never had to MO and try and fail with AP.

Also, I was so fearful of how I would feel with the actual MO/leaving me step that I felt I would never, ever be able to forgive him for that. I don't know what that always has felt worse to me than the infidelity. It just did. This giant whiplash after four months of planning together for the future (exacerbated by being together and having a lot of fun 24/7 ever since Covid started) is awful. The parts about my business are especially heartbreaking, going from these months of planning and dreaming and experimenting and getting ready to pull the trigger and then now... what? If I need to make decisions for my own safety and protection, that becomes a pipe dream, for now.

In terms of how I define friendship... I think right now, the biggest way he is violating that is through his massive selfishness in both asking me to make this decision together with him and to imply that I'm the bad guy for not being just being cool with all of this because it would be in the best interest of the kids for us to be friends. It's really screwed up.

He told his brother today. I got super angry, because he told me he talked to him for a long time and I could tell he felt positive about the call. I couldn't help myself and asked what he had said. he said his brother ran a risk analysis for him and laid out all the risks of his choices, how likely they are, etc., and that of course by far the smart choice would be to end the A and work on the M. H said he was worried he couldn't let go of AP in his head and his brother gave him all sorts of ideas (amazing, he suggests NC, blocking numbers... genius!!) So we did end up with another partial R talk today, I did try to avoid saying anything about where I was and stopped him anytime he got hear talking about her, but yet another fail on my part. And I know I wasn't as cold and acting like I was moving on as I should have been, even though I didn't say anything that indicated where I was. I'm sure he could sense me leaning back in. Against my will I felt better knowing that his brother wasn't like follow your heart, dude! I don't know why that mattered, but it did.

I had an hour and a half on the phone with an attorney today who was really helpful. I need to transcribe my notes and make sure I fully absorb everything she said. But unfortunately the way I was looking at our assets was a little off, and there is a pretty significant financial disincentive from my perspective to Ding. So I need to sit with this a bit more too.

I started seeing an IC. Had my first session with her just now. We talked a lot about boundaries, and she said she could hear in my voice where my boundaries were around not talking about AP, not talking about fantasy D scenarios, not making this decision for him, not working on our R with a third party in the picture, not being friends if we split. I said I was trying to not talk to him at all, really, and she thought that was fair, but I clearly can't quite own that boundary yet.

She pushed me on where the rage and anger is for what has happened to date, the violations and the lying over these past years and said she thought it was worthwhile for me to sit in that for awhile and process it. (Just like you guys have been saying!) She also asked me if and why I would want to be with H after all of this and do I want him to go. I said, honestly, I don't know to #1 and (sadly, also honestly right at this moment) no, I don't want him to go. Part of me wishes he would so I could get on with my life. Maybe I need to sit more in the anger and answer question #1 in order to come authentically to question #2.

Doing an outdoor get-together with one of my best friends and her kids tonight, sans Hs. Really looking forward to that.

Love you guys.