It’s so nice to hear from you. The word girlfriend was a definite gut punch. I also think it’s complete BS because they just met, but that doesn’t matter. He views her and their relationship that way, so there it is.
I know you had hope for H and I to reconcile at some point. Several people here did, and all my closest friends did too. It wasn’t just the kindness and the affection, I don’t think, though that played a part (including up to literally a week ago). It was also several conversations he initiated in which he wavered, times he told me straight out he could see that things could be good again, etc.
Honestly? I believe that he did feel that way. Honestly? I believe that he still does. But I also now believe (as I long suspected and hoped wasn’t the case) that he is one of the weakest kind. The kind who can see there is a chance to be a happy family again, and even partly wants to make that happen, but doesn’t have the guts to take the leap. I honestly think that the way he’s been over the last few months with the affection and the texting and just the way he was looking at me, was because he felt it, things building to something good between us slowly. And I think it scared the sh!t out of him, so he ran the other way and bolstered himself safely behind the wall of a new relationship.
Obviously I could be wrong. And obviously it doesn’t actually matter. But I do believe that, and that’s what makes this so hard to let go of. But I’m getting there. Yes it’s very slow for me. But the pace has picked up over the last few months, and my anger and disgust at his latest crap has definitely helped the push. But oh man, it is excruciating. I think I’m painfully intuitively aware of what’s going on, and it just makes it harder. Again, could be wrong. Doesn’t matter.
It’s all business from me toward him at this point. He is partially mirroring it, and partially awkwardly trying to bring it back to us chatting and joking, and the GD touching. I’m silently setting my boundaries. He tries to chat with me and I just say uh huh and give him an “ok you can go now” look. Sunday he came to drop off D4 after their Father’s Day together and he literally came in, kicked off his shoes, PUT HIS FEET UP ON MY COFFEE TABLE AND STARTED LOOKING AT HIS PHONE. Commenting on how cute the pics from the day were, but not actually showing them to me. I felt completely certain he was trying to provoke me, and I literally ignored it all until he got the point and left. After I put D4 to bed I screamed into a pillow. HOW. DARE. HE. Yesterday he texted me that he got a bonus at work and was transferring me $1000 for D4s birthday “or whatever”. I don’t even know. He is so messed up. Unfortunately I’ve been unemployed and struggling financially since SIP started and would be a fool to turn down extra money, as good as it would have felt to do so. I just said “that’s very helpful, thank you” and left it alone.
I don’t think he likes that I’m not freaking out about his revelations and lies. I think it upsets his narrative and takes me out of my place in his mind. Maybe I’m wrong. I look forward to seeing less of him in the near future.
