Just getting caught up. He said "girlfriend" to you, ugh. I can see how that is an extra gut punch in all this. Two years is a good amount of time. It would be nice if the D could be finalized before he started dating and wanting to introduce D4 to girlfriends, but perhaps there is no point in thinking about that. I do agree that him wanting to consult you about when he introduces her to them is a good sign. I think if I had ended up D, and were dating, I would not do the same. I would make my own judgement about who I introduced my kids to and when. I would also find it awkward to have to give H my blessing for him to do the same. In our sitch, OW had been a good friend of mine (and our kids were all friends) so I told him right off the bat to never bring the kids around her or to think I would ever be okay with the kids figuring out what was going on. I also knew I couldn't control it if he did. Fortunately he didn't.
If I recall I had a lot of hope for you two Ring early in your sitch. I am sorry that I was wrong about that. Maybe I misunderstood his kindness and affection to mean he was conflicted on his feelings for you? Maybe I wanted to see that because that is what I saw in my own sitch. I think the others have explained it far better. I don't like that he does that at all now. It's weird. He should not pity you in that way also. Ew. No. And I don't like that he feels so comfortable to come into your space, try and be friendly and to be affectionate. I am not sure you have to announce he needs to stop tho. Maybe you just need to create stronger boundaries with your time and body language so he sees that is not going to be tolerated. Can you stop spending time altogether? Just brief hand-offs with D4?
I have 3 Ds. When H and I were separated, my youngest D turned 5. I didn't invite him to her party. I told him that I would not be doing things together as a family and that he could plan his own celebration with his own family for her. Was that the best move? I don't know. I just refused to play nice with him given all that he had done. My kids saw us both often, but not together. I think that is okay too. If you don't want to pretend to be a family, you don't have to do that. Even if D4 is sad, or puts up resistance, she will recover and this is her reality now. Sometimes we try and protect our children, but they are far more resilient than we give them credit for. She can be disappointed, or hurt, or angry-- and she is allowed that. You can still both love her and can love her in your own ways. .... I think this could also help you move on. You deserve that now.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
