No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

hi all!
What can I say, I leave some days the board and I come back to find the words I needed the most. Thank you so much, your words keep me going. I have a daily calendar reminder to make Sandi proud of the work and time she has put on me.

So let me get started with GAL, life with my kids has been amazing, they love me more than I ever thought possible and it just fuels my chest. I ran 16k for the first time the other day, another night I took my car at 23 pm to drive down a lonely mountain road for 1 hr, I have bought more clothes and I had my myopia operated the other day (bye bye glasses), which is something I always wanted to save for.

So as you know I asked for a new custody agreement via my L and I requested to reduce the pension. Her reply came today through my L. She wants us to D instead of simply separate, she wants the same pension as when I was visiting because otherwise it will be hard to pay rent and she wants me to cover additional costs for the children. This is not how I imagined she asking me for the D formally but I guess it was going to happen eventually.

I made the mistake of calling her today, I told her I do not want divorce and if she ever has different thoughts here I am but we can go on if it is what she wants. She went on and on telling me how I have gone behind her back in getting a second lawyer instead of talking to her, how I have not changed and continued to harm her and how I am putting our children in the middle of this. For her the fact that I found a second lawyer behind her proves I am still a bad person and the fact that I tell my S I want the family together means I want to make her the bad one in front of them. W said for her our M is not important now because she does not see herself with me and hence it is the same if we are S or D.

My self confidence, my cheerfulness and my emotional status all took a bad hit today. I always thought protecting myself would show her I am a strong man and I will cover my interest as I have learnt from this B. I never thought we would get divorced without having the chance to sit down and talk about our problems or how to make things work.

I told her next week I will sit down with my L, if by then I have not heard from her otherwise I will assume she still wants D and I will prepare a response for her L. I no longer know if what I am doing is right or not, if I am weak in front of her or not. I cried a lot today, I am crying as I type this and it will probably be a long night. Tomorrow we need to go to the nursery of S1 to sign the new application at 9:30. I dont know if I need to be kind or cold or neutral. Is funny enough that now I am not scared of D, but it still causes the same pain I imagined it would the day she took the step.

W says we need to be mature and keep the C aside from this. I told her I am doing my best but it is impossible to keep them from missing each of us when we are apart and they will suffer the consequences of a D. I dont know why I keep trying to reason with her, she is far too gone. I dont know how the man I want to be would react to D. The man I want to be knows and values above all the value of the family he wants his children to have and the vows he took in front of W. At the same time, the man I want to be would never allow an unreasonable childish woman ruin his life. I told myself if W asked me for a D it would be the last interaction we would have, now what? I guess I need to be a man and follow through with my promises to myself.

Thank you for all your help. God knows I have tried but she just has chosen to blame me and never allow herself to see me as anything but a source of pain. She told me today if she had come to Spain without a legal agreement I would have sued her when it was me who suggested she came here like that and we could talk about our issues. I cannot begin to understand the picture of me she has built in her head. I have changed my life to be here and I genuinely thought I would make it easier for us to sit down and talk.

How can someone bring D to the table in such a cold way? As I said before, friends keep recognizing how much I am changing and that I am better now, I guess that means I am doing something right. GAL GAL GAL and getting used to single lifestyle.