DB'ing while living in with a WAS/MLC husband

[BlueSea]

LH - I hear you. I hear you - and appreciate your advice more than you know. I know I am screwing up and I just kick myself for doing this - I am not doing the right things - I am messing up in a big way - and I am scared. Before I was more angry than scared. Either way I am all over the place and need to just stop.

It should be pretty easy... "STFU and eat your $hit sandwiches"...I know.
There is more going on here that I have not shared.

This is very difficult for me to post. In the hopes of creating a connection - I really thought this would be a good idea, instead it did the opposite. Its part of what is going on with me and affects where I am at.

In the past 10 days, we have had time 'together' twice. Completely different then it had ever been.
-The first time: choke holds, being thrown, a lot of assault hold down type behavior.
-The second: (yes, second, I thought I would just tell him that it was not my thing & that I was not up for aggression). He responded like he got it, and it started fine, but then turned into a complete non-consensual, world of pain act. I just pushed thru it. I am an adult, I opened the door for that behavior. Hard lesson learned. I put myself in a bad situation with someone I once trusted. I will not do that again. And....

For all that 'fun' I came away with an std (the antibiotic kind, not the rest of your life kind). Makes me sick to even type that. I think you called that LH, or someone here did (H told me he had been safe)- and that has really pushed me to a bad spot. It could have been worse. And I don't have the full panel back yet. So this contributes to my erratic, non DBing, angry, sad, who knows what I feel moment to moment.

I am trying to pull it together.
From now on I am going to shut up and listen to the veterans. I will say I am in a bad state and I need serious breadcrumbs to know how to move forward with H now.
Blue