Moving On

[may22]

Blue-- strength right back at you, sister. If you are still holding out for reconciliation and want to see your H as a flawed human capable of change, I would say it helps to really understand that he's in a lot of pain and confusion right now too. he doesn't know how to handle it and he is dumping it on the closest person (you). That doesn't mean you should accept it-- walk away-- but it also might help you to understand that he is simply in no position to be helping you at this point. Don't let him push your buttons-- positive or negative. Just be YOU.

Now I'm in a place where continuing to hold onto the vision of my H as a flawed human being who is fundamentally a good person and capable of change is no longer serving me. The problem is I also don't believe that he is a unrepentant a-hole, as attractive as that vision is... I just can't hold onto it in the current situation with us still living together. He is still just desperately clinging onto this fantasy and can't let it go. Scared of loss in both directions. Able to envision a perfect life with everything he loves in it, including me, AP, and the children. Not able to envision what our M2.0 might look like or happiness without AP in the picture. And all that is outside of my control. I just need to keep remembering that. As so many of you have said... the motivations for his behavior are not that important. His behavior is manipulative and selfish, and nothing I can say or do will change him. He has to want to change himself. He has to want the M--the whole package. And he doesn't.

Alison, "maybe you're right" will work. (How do you have all these phrases at the ready? You are a genius.) I am trying so hard to not get pulled back in to this. The "mommy" thing makes a lot of sense. I will say, it was not with any heat or accusation that he said I hate him now. More like resignation. Which is of course actually so much more effective than being a jerk with me, so only just shows he knows my buttons really well and is able to control himself enough to not get angry. Pommy, if you're reading, I also got multiple comments on a new pair of yoga pants I bought. When he first saw them-- are those new? I really like them. They look great. Then later, I know I said this already but I really like those pants. They look really good on you. I said thank you but nothing else. And then when I showered and changed, I was SO TEMPTED to put on another pair of pants that i hadn't worn for awhile that are in the same style as the ones he said he liked. And I resisted. I put on ones that I like, but I didn't want to give him any inkling that I give a $hit what he thinks I look like.

Sage, a couple things are standing out to me from your post. One, the no regrets. That has been my mantra all along. No matter what, I want to be able to look back at this time and know in my bones that I did absolutely everything I could for my children. I believe that if I look back on this time and feel like I gave up, I think I'll always regret it because I do still believe that the #1 possible environment for my children is a two-parent household. Now I'm starting to understand that this isn't within my control. I am also a goal-setter, know what I want and work to get it. In this case, I can do everything humanly possible, but it isn't up to just me. That possibility takes two willing participants, and nothing I can say or do can make this happen the way I want it to happen. This has been such a humbling experience for me. I think I just need to work through what this all means now, letting go of the illusion of control, and accepting what is and isn't possible at this moment. What does that mean in terms of accepting D or being the one to pull the trigger, and how the future me will feel about that? I don't really know yet.

I also think allocating some hope to the D scenario is a good idea and something I need to think on. I've been spending time focusing on the small things that I'll enjoy being on my own-- a puppy being the biggest thing-- and have spent a little time daydreaming about what it would be like to fall in love again and have that experience with someone new, someone who really loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me and be happy together. Today, though, I'm feeling sad again about the loss of all that I thought I had, and all that I had dreamed for the future. It just hurts. And so, so hard not to want to wish it away since, as H keeps reminding me, he is still here. He hasn't left.

He had his IC yesterday and then when he was supposed to be watching the kids disappeared again into the basement, where he's working this week (he gave me the office). I went to find him to ask him to corral D8 since I had a call with my executive coach about my business stuff, and he gave me this huge eyed look and said he was on the phone with his mom. I put D8 in front of the TV, he eventually grabbed D10 to take her to soccer, he came home and tried to make super happy eye contact and hugged me and said Hi. I said Hi but didn't really respond otherwise. He made me a cocktail and sat with me outside. D8 and D10 came and sat on me and I was so, so sad that this was all happening, that this family (or at least illusion of family) was about to be gone forever. He told me the other day that he has been trying to destroy his marriage for the past two years without destroying his family. He wants his family, which includes me. Just not his marriage.

A couple of days ago, he brought up my business plans and said he wants me to follow my dream and do it. That he will stay in the M in order to make sure I can do it. That he knows I'm thinking it won't be possible in a D scenario because too risky and he doesn't want me to make that choice. That he'll support me no matter what and if we have to sell the condo to finance my business we should do that. I just shook my head and cried. He hugged me and said I was vulnerable in a way he's never seen me before. (Not sure if I had shared this here or just in my journal.) I share this here because what Alison said about wanting Mommy to help him is putting a new light on this conversation, also the one about the trips-- he wants me to say yes, that is the right decision. And last time around, in January/February-- I would have jumped on it and said YES OK I totally agree. Now I'm not saying that anymore. And it is so, so hard because I really do think if I said those things where he is right now, he very well might make the same decision he did before. But I know it can't be in any way fobbed off onto me to make the call. We already proved that won't work. This has to be his choice. And it is just so difficult to relinquish control and hope and sit in this sadness.

After dinner he went to do work and gave me a ton of space. He didn't bring up anything about the R. He went to bed before me (unusual these days) and I quietly got into bed after him. He leaned over and kissed me arm and asked me how I was doing. I said fine. I thought about it for a minute and asked him how he was. he said, not good. I said me either, I was lying. He said I figured that. Quiet for awhile, then D8 couldn't sleep and came in and snuggled. This morning he went surfing. Hugged me when he came home and didn't say anything.

I really appreciate everyone posting. I need it. xx