Wife not showing much effort?

[Ready2Change]

Thank you all for the feedback. I'm taking away some positive actions:
- learn more - get the book
- Being a super spouse isn't going to work!
- Temper my expectations
- Think & listen more and don't react
- Change for myself

Thank you for listing out what you are taking away. Keep it up. Most posters do not give us feedback, and the feedback helps a lot.

This is very similar to what you need to do with W (and your kids). You validate the way she FEELS. Your goal is to understand how she is emotionally and communicate back to her. Read the validation thread many times until it becomes your new way of communicating.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

...my lawyer started pushing on a 7/7 with the kids - this is 7 days with one and 7 with the other

First time I have seen this proposal for parenting time. Every parenting arrangement I have seen keeps the siblings together. Do you believe this would be best for your kids?

... along with us not living together anymore..... I stood firm on the idea that our marriage is about "us" and not the package around it - including the kids. We need to be strong, loving, committed and so on or I feel nothing else will follow.

This is good.

She started to second guess if this was the right thing to be doing.... I sense she is more about the package and less about me - it appears she likes the fact that she can now be in school 100% while I basically live like I singe dad. This is why I think it's worse than roommates - she is a roommate and I take care of literally everything.

Right now you are plan B. You are letting her lead. She needs to FEEL that she has lost you as planB. You need to lead her through this process. I am really simplifying a very complex thing that needs to happen. You can clarify your understanding of this as you move forward.

I'm questioning if this is even possible.

Yes.

persevere- continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success.
Be extremely patient.

- when I do, will it reciprocate?

Most likely not for some period of time. The key is not do things without expectations of a desired response. You do it because it is the right thing to do.


Steve85 talks about covert-contracts. Hopefully he can elaborate on this with for you.

I believe love is two way street in a marriage but what does one do if it's always a one-way street?

You control you. Let her control her.


You need to redefine your measuring stick. It is not about how she responds, but rather, how you behaved and did you do it in a way that you wanted to?


For example, you give yourself a point for not arguing with her, rather than giving her a point for saying ILY2. Understand?