Looks like it's been about a month since I checked in. Not a lot of progress in regards to my situation, but I'd say generally it's been two steps forward, one step back so far as my own personal progress.
I've been re-reading NMMNG, this time through really taking the time to complete the exercises, as silly as some of them might feel. Right now in my place there's a bunch of post-its around with things like "You will survive this!"; I know it's kind of hokey and cheesy, but they've been helpful just as a reminder to have visible. While I still have a lot of work to do on detachment, I do feel a little more at peace with things and certainly I have every belief that no matter what happens, I'll be fine and that my best days are ahead of me.
I was relaying to my therapist the other day that if anything, I've found myself feeling anger more than ever before. I'm not usually an angry guy - NMMNG alert! - and even when the separation happened, I really never felt angry, I was heartbroken and very guilty about how I contributed to the situation. But I have definitely noticed more anger: I feel like she lied to me when she wanted space and not to give up and I feel like she's being unfair with how she's handled her side of this. This anger isn't manifesting in anything unhealthy, at least in my view -- it's really just helping me see things for what they are, and have a more realistic view of my situation.
As far as the situation itself, nothing to report, really. We talk over text every other week or so, started by her, usually about logistics. I have noticed her checking on my social media more, but I'm not going to let myself read anything into that at all. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated with where we are, but I'm trying to tell myself as a type this that I can't control anything other than myself, and how I manage my own life. As I've said a few times, I sort of just assume that one day I'll wake up and not want to do it any more; I do believe I'll always love her but that doesn't mean I can stay in this place forever. For now, keep working towards a healthier me and things will resolve on their own time, one way or another.
Steve, I see you at a critical juncture in your sitch. It is now over 13 months since BD. And a year since separation. At this point I feel like you are stuck. I hate to see LBS that are stuck.
So what do you want? Do want to keep waiting for her? Do you want to move on with your life? If not now, at what point?
In my sitch I had set a 1 year date post BD. (Since it was 12/23, I set 1/4 as the day I would go file for D and move on with my life if she hadn't recommitted.)
I think this is important Steve. I really do not think in 3-5 years after BD that you want to look back and realize you wasted so much time waiting for her. I've been open about a multi-decade, on-again off-again relationship I had that really had me stuck and stymied. For years. It is not something I look back on fondly about myself. And I really wish I had respected myself enough to have pull the plug on it very early on and moved on with my life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
