DB'ing while living in with a WAS/MLC husband

[LH19]

Blue you I have nothing but compassion for what you are going through but if I do not give it to you real the consequences can be devastating. What your husband did to you and your family was a terrible thing and unjustifiable. Affairs are acts of anger -- he has built up a ton of resentment toward you, and since he's avoidant, he hasn't given voice to any of it or worked any of it through. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, or that you deserve his resentment, it could be completely irrational, but the point is that it exists. The thing is Blue you are the one on the board trying to save your marriage and if you don't learn STFU and eat your $hit sandwiches then he is most certainly going to walk again back to OW arms.

Relationships generally fall apart for one of three reasons: (1) One partner becomes emotionally unstable for a variety of reasons, which may include mental illness, addiction, issues related to a bad childhood, etc. (2) One partner has a momentary lapse of judgement and cheats and the other partner can't forgive them, or (3) the relationship slowly degrades over time for both people.

My guess is you are in scenario three where the vicious cycle that tends to land people here -- your needs aren't being met, so you're less motivated to provide your H with what he needs. His needs aren't being met, so he's not motivated to give you what you need, and that spinning wheel eventually drives you apart until one person (or both people) decides they want out.

I have selected some recent statements by you from some recent posts. You have to put your needs aside and start trying to meet his needs. He is not coming back to the same marriage and if he does he will just be miserable. I know it [censored] because he cheated! I know it [censored] that he put you through so much pain! I am just telling you the reality of your situation.

Now in the mean time you need to get yourself healthy and give it your all so that if he walks again you will be ok with it. Everything you do is out of fear because deep down you feel like you are not enough. When you get to a place where you love yourself and know your value and you give your best to someone else then if they walk you are ok with it because you know you gave it your best.

I let him know it was time he took it on the chin for once, I had alot of anger, and it all spewed out. Anyone over 40 is on a journey for happiness, did not give one the right to throw their loved ones under the bus.

So he decides to try again and you yell at him for 4 hours. Does that hurt recon goal or help recon goal?

I want to cater to his MLC needs, but, at this point I want to recognize that I have needs, and start moving my name up the list

Again, I would try meeting his needs first. You are here. He is not.

And he says he is so lonely and usually starts to tear up when he says that...but I am lonely too!!
I know your lonely too but you need to be ok with it for now.
[quote=BlueSea]I told him to make playdates - and he has - going out with friend for lunch, another for dinner, going on a float trip.

You are not his mother you are his W.

Sort of pisses me off, but I know that's good for him.

You have to release the anger

I am lonely. .

I know you are Blue and I am sorry but you are going to be lonely for a long time if you don't tighten your game up.