Yeah - I had another IC session yesterday. I cried a lot, coming to the realisation that peace in my house relies on my swallowing my opinions and needs and making lots of excuses for H's behaviour. At one point the therapist said, 'what has kept you in the marriage?' and I said 'I'd hoped that things would be different, that if I made changes the dynamic itself would change, and we'd both be happier' and she said 'you have made changes, and your H isn't happier, and how he deals with being unhappy is something you can choose to live with, or not.' She went on to say he may very well make changes of his own - nobody is incapable of change - but she also said it was possible he'd carry on in the same way for the next decade, the next thirty years. I don't know which of these is more likely and I can't say that I am entirely without hope - I wish I could strangle out that hope so I could leave very decisively and without sadness - but I do know when she said 'decade, the next thirty years' my blood ran cold. If I waste my life on this, that's on me and I will be responsible for it. I think I am nearly ready to leave - or rather, start the legal stuff so that he can leave.
