Thank you Sage. I've been reading along with you too. This is a bumpy road for so many of us and it is really hard to keep steady when the person we are connected to is wobbling and lurching so much. It's like they are drowning, and grabbing on to us to keep afloat. We can't get them out of the water, and there's no virtue in letting them take us down with them. I guess that's what detachment is - getting yourself out of the water and to a place of safety and if you can, hoping - with love - that the WH or W gets out of the water too. Whether they end up on the same side of the river as you are is up to them, of course.
I am updating again, mainly because it keeps me in a place of steadiness. H was leaving the house this morning and I asked him if he'd put sun cream on youngest. Not with any 'tone' - just for information, as I'd do it if he hadn't before we left the house. H went into a mini-rant, on the doorstep, listing all the things he'd done that morning. He often does this - I'll ask for information, he'll take it as some kind of criticism and come out on the attack. I waited for him to finish then said, 'you're defending yourself against an entirely imaginary attack. I just wanted to know if I needed to do the suncream, or not?' and he stopped off, shaking his head and muttering.
A couple of texts this morning - phrases included 'you're not allowed to speak to me like that' and 'don't you dare speak to me like that' - again, this is the sort of thing I'd usually ignore or pacify in the sake of peace. Instead, I said, 'when you are being defensive and argumentative without cause I will point it out. You speak freely and so will I and we will see where we are.' He carried on issuing me instructions via text as to how or when I was 'allowed' to speak to him (he loves that word - and hasn't grasped that I am not in his control - or his tantrums are about how he feels when he realises I am not in his control) and I finally said 'I won't listen to you give me these type of controlling instructions. I am blocking you from being able to send me any more messages until this evening.' Then I did.
He really doesn't grasp that a boundary isn't about controlling my behaviour. I have no wish to control his - I was just sick and tired of having to be Stepford Wife for the sake of peace, so I've decided to call it as I see it when I feel like it. He clearly can't cope with that. Without wanting to mind read, I suspect there will be either sulking or ranting tonight (he seems to have only two settings) so I've arranged to go out on a socially distanced walk with a friend of mine, which should give him time to get some beer inside him and go to sleep.
I feel calm and strong. I have no wish to control or provoke him - I just am done with having to pretend to go along with his nonsense for the sake of peace. For the time being, that means no closeness and love and affection for me (which there wasn't much of anyway - his withdrawal used to be so hurtful and I let my fear of it control me, but now it's just a slightly more exaggerated version of business as usual) and no punch bag for him. I'm kind of curious to see how this turns out, given that he's already threatened to see a solicitor, and the imaginary appointment he ostentatiously claimed to be having mysteriously evaporated. He doesn't really have any place to go now. Emotionally I mean, and in the games and bids for control he makes - there's no positive outcome for him in any of his controlling behaviours. Of course he can physically go if he wants to - and that would be fine with me. I don't plan on moving out but neither do I plan on living long term with Mr Sulking McBeer or Mr Ranty McTantrum. I'll see how things pan out during the summer with the estate agents valuation and talk to my mortgage broker again - I can buy him out of the house without too much difficulty but have been legally advised (when I called the solicitor the other day) it's a bad idea to do that without a legal divorce agreement.
