He is being manipulative whether he is trying to actively manipulate the situation or just can because he knows me so well and needs me to engage for whatever his own reasons may be. I feel like my step away internally did somewhat start to destabilize Plan B, as Steve would say, for him and he's doing all he can to firm that back up and get the responses he wants from me so he can feel more secure in the power seat. I just need to keep my energy focused on myself and continue to hold to what is best for me. It is just hard to not let myself start to have hope again.
For much of our lives, having hope, and seeing the best in people is such a gift. It is a sign of resiliency and the antithesis of victimhood. Which is why in these sorts of circumstances we are in a double bind: hope could bring us to a conclusion that we want; and could also prevent us from reaching our true potential (if we cling too hard). I am struggling with this concept of hope right now too. How not to have hope in this tiny sliver of my life, but maintain it in every other aspect. Also, maybe I need to redefine hope to include a post-D world. It would be so awfully amazing to leap over this pile of hardship and just be living in a better outcome, no matter what it may be. But then I suppose the personal growth that comes from this hardship would be missing. Ugh, existential reflection here, sorry.
Originally Posted by may22
Now... I'm feeling less optimism. Believing what he is telling me is true is much more devastating- that he truly is in love with another woman- than being able to dismiss it as fantasy. It still may be fantasy, but it isn't to him, and he let me down as his W in an enormous and maybe irreparable way. And I can't control him or make him want to want M2.0 with me. I can only control me. So planning on how I will be OK no matter what is the work I need to do now... just hard and I'm trying soooooo hard not to let myself get distracted by his manipulations, as nice-feeling as it would be to give into them.
I keep going over BlueWave's posts in my head as I read your updates and live mine. How it seemed she struggled more with the piecing than the actual affair period. Which may not be completely true, but has me thinking about what all this looks like IF things were to get to actual piecing. Could you ever forgive or un-hear those words that H is saying to you right now? I have a long list of grievances, nasty words, assaults on my personality and belittling of my extended family (whom he loves) that came flashing before my eyes when H came back begging last week. My sister even said to me 'I will support you and him no matter what, but I will never forget some of those things he said to you, and nor should you. You can forgive him, but don't forget that this person was capable of saying those things to someone he should hold as precious to him.' Which came up in BlueWave's sitch. The years she spent trying to forgive, knowing she would never forget, and what that meant for her personally and her R.
Fresh on my mind is all of this. If I were to fast-forward to a couple of years from now, what regrets would I have? And what can I do to prevent as many of them as I can at the moment? Not in a way that means I am predicting my future self, but more in a way that allows me to make the best decisions in this moment. Shoot, I even have regrets from not maintaining certain boundaries last week. Maybe this is all poor advice, and the best bet is to live in the moment (I need to meditate more, clearly). But in the vein of 'believe what he is telling you', how much and how often and how loudly do they need to tell us something for it to finally click?
Maybe this is our Hs' truth right now, not forever, but I think the sooner we accept what they are saying, right now, the sooner we can find some path out of this mess. Which goes against 'believe nothing they say', but from a self-preservation standpoint, acceptance of their words might bring about more rapid shifts in our ability to detach.
