Thank you May and Pommy, I really appreciate the perspective.
Pommy, we also had a momentary R around the same time as you did in May. Mine only lasted 24 hours, but it was the same thing then. So I kind of feel like we are now on round 2, the one where your H has recommitted and seems to be hanging in there with it all. Whereas mine lasted a few days and is back on the roller coaster. He hasn’t spoken to me all day, he asked about what was bothering me with my dreams (he knew I didn’t sleep well because of it) and I didn’t feel safe sharing the details. He shrugged and asked me what he could do. I said be gentle and maybe a little extra loving with me today. He looked at me and got up from the table and went to his therapy appointment. Not good DBing on my part, but we are technically in recon, so I am done tippy toeing around my needs. If he can’t meet them, well, then I guess that tells me something.
I spoke with my therapist this afternoon and got some good perspective and 2x4’s. It was hard, but probably necessary to hear how messed up my situation is. Not that I didn’t already know it.
I believe that H is going to ask for another S. I can’t do it. I can’t do it to my kids and I can’t do it to myself. If he needs space to figure himself out, then we need to D and separate all our finances, assets etc. And save our poor children from more whiplash. I am just guessing on his intent, so it may not come to fruition, but he is acting exactly the same way he did before our previous S. I don’t trust his decision making or motives right now. In fact, I don’t trust HIM at all anymore either. He is not a friend or a lover or a H in any sense of the meaning.
I embarked on the journey of being a family with the knowledge that there would be tough times and hardship and struggle and self-reflection and self-doubt. But that it was in our contract to work through all of that for the sake of family. That sometimes we would be unhappy, with ourselves, each other and our circumstances. But families aren’t disposable and we owe it to ourselves and our family to work on our issues together and come to a mutual understanding if it wasn’t working. I don’t feel like H has tried at all. All of his attempts have been half-a**ed, mired with EA and his own personal demons. But maybe this is as good as he can do. Maybe I need to believe him now. That he can’t do this, that he really was fooling himself for all those years. As devastated as that makes me feel, it’s him, not me.
He is gone for the evening and won’t be home until after I’m asleep. So I am guessing we may talk tomorrow. We have been invited to friends’ house for the 4th and he won’t commit. We were also supposed to leave for a romantic getaway in a couple weeks and he won’t commit to that either. I am a fool.
What would you do in my situation with the whole S vs D scenario? If he really loves me he will find a way back no matter our status right?
