Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

I don't know about you, but I was terrified to sweep everything under the rug. That resulted in me maybe pushing too hard to talk about the A and deal with my own stuff... but now I'm wishing that we spent some time really working on building intimacy and a future vision with a professional. Maybe that wouldn't have helped... I don't know. I have the big complication of the AP sitting out there that you don't have.

xx so happy for you, Pommy. I'm totally rooting for you two. I'll have a G&T and think of you tonight! Thanks for being there for me also-- it means a lot.

hi May, I’m worried we are in some kind of honeymoon phase and that the bubble will burst. I can’t tell the difference between brushing things under the carpet and accepting that what’s he’s told me might be as much as I’ll ever know, and moving on. Of course what he’s told me might be the truth and everything else (e.g me thinking there must’ve been some physical interactions at some point) is all in my head. I feel like I want to ask the same questions over and over until I get an answer where I can say “I knew it” and I feel like not getting the answers I want is me brushing it under the carpet ( or perhaps letting him get away with never having to divulge more). I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I feel it is very destructive for both me and the relationship if I can’t let go of those thoughts and doubts. I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’m feeling very hurt today about the fact he thought he was in love with someone else, and that for years I’ve felt like I’ve had to fight for his love and affection, and yet it was seemingly so easy for him dish it out to someone else..

Thanks for being here May. It means a lot to me too x

As for the battle about trusting stability, I know exactly how that feels, even though my H and I are not as far along as you are, and might never make it to a moment of reconciliation. I struggle a lot right now with whether I'll be able to progress past the insecurity issues I now have, especially given that I've always struggled with depending on someone (in the direction of depending and trusting them, rather than too much trust). I suppose everyone in this situation has to get to a point of acceptance with that fear, because I don't think the fear will truly go away anytime soon. After all, the fear is rational. As the LBS, our WAS did, after all, walk away.

I think this is where I am at Beth...struggling to discard the fears because as you say, they are completely rational. I think I need to accept the fears and instead rationalise the behaviours/issues that led up to the EA and work through those with H