May, I feel almost physically sick with empathy and a shared experience with what you are going through right now. My circumstance may have slightly different motivations. I am not sure that H is leaving me for another person, but he is checked out of our M for either that or his own personal demons. But the resulting whiplash and back-and-forth is exactly the same as you are experiencing.
My H too has always demanded that we make a joint decision. And that we do what HE thinks is best for the kids (amicable, joint decision-making, owning the blame equally). His greatest fury with me has always been when I wouldn't own that. And I too have always said I wouldn't be the one to instigate D, that it would be giving him the option to paint ME as the bad guy and that fundamentally, I don't believe we should or need to D. That our R has so much good in it that we should give it our best shot, if nothing else for the kids' sake.
Well, that was the old me. The me that was in your same situation. Over the past few weeks, I have come to the conclusion that D was better than limbo, that actually I deserve to be happy with someone who is truly in love with me and WANTS to be with me. Just for who I am, not for some other version of myself. I came to peace with the thought of instigating a D, that it wouldn't change the narrative of what really happened (H checked out of the M, for whatever EA/OW or own personal demon issues). That the kids deserved to watch their mother love herself and be loved fully by a potential future person. I was resolute and calm with this knowledge, although it took me a long time to get there.
And then he came swinging wildly back on hands and knees in a Hollywood-style reconciliation attempt. Which lasted a total of maybe four days before I was back to being accused of being a demanding, controlling, crazy W for simply asking for a basic R need (faithfulness).
So now I am back to square one emotionally, where I have to build back up that calm, accepting person I was a week ago, who wasn't afraid of D and actually welcomed the thought of being relieved of the stress and pressure of our current R and H's wild, impulsive decision-making.
I am not trying to hijack your thread with my own story, but wanted to share that your feelings surrounding D may change overnight. And it also may take a while to get there; there was a LOT of strong, pendulum-swinging vacillation on my part for quite a while. But the relief I felt when I came to that conclusion was cellular. When you get there, you will KNOW. I hope to be back there again myself sooner than later.
Also, I empathize with your dueling versions of your H: someone who is fundamentally flawed with no hope of recovery in time for your M and the H that made a mistake and is lost, but could find himself again and is worthy of redemption. I am an optimist who believes in love and happiness and happy endings. So I tend to skew to the latter, which is probably making my own situation worse for myself. I can't just believe H when he shows me who he really is. I'm on this journey with you on this one.
You have been given such great advice and I am so grateful you are able to post as much of your story as you have because I am able to live vicariously through your journey and am learning so much about my own.
