Since our 'talk' when H went ballistic on me for asking for transparency, called me controlling and manipulative and accused me of guilting him back (WTF? HE came to ME on his knees, I never asked for that nor expected it), things have gotten way worse. He is back to being distant and uncommunicative. He won't look at me or touch me or even engage me in anything other than simple conversations regarding politics or the children. Yesterday, after having read through May and Alison's posts, I started to feel like WTF is wrong with me? Do I really want this man in my life? Do I want to put another 3-4 months into this only to come out the other end in the same place or worse? And then I saw several SM posts from couple friends celebrating birthdays and births and baptisms and anniversaries and all that love and all that compassion and friendship and I felt a sense of longing for that connection, which I used to have with H, but clearly no longer do.
I am at a loss as to what to do. I stated my boundary around not wanting to be in a marriage with a third party involved in any way. I cannot confirm nor deny whether or not this is in the case at the moment because he is unwilling to share any sort of transparency with me (he did say a few days ago that they have not communicated). Do I instigate D? How can I stay in this R and still maintain my boundary?
I am devastated that I let him tell the children that divorce is off the table and that we are back together again. They are sensing something is up and have asked me if it was still true that we will be together. I can't say anything to them and I am such a fool for not protecting them more fiercely. I am also such a fool for not protecting my heart more fiercely.
I had a series of terrible dreams last night where I kept encountering the EA woman and H; they mocked me for my foolishness and threw their love in my face. Over and over. It was one of those dreams where I would wake up and then fall asleep only to revisit the same dream. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me the truth about my situation. Or maybe my insecurities are bubbling to the surface.
We are back to a few months ago, prior to me asking H to move out for a S. We are currently back in the same house. I am not sure if H is planning on moving out again or not. I will not ask him. He spoke with our MC one-on-one today and has his own IC that he is working with.
Sorry for the ramble. I am hurting and sad and scared for the potential whiplash my children could be facing in the near future.
