may ~ I completely empathize with how hard it is to feel like you have the choice to either be super-angry (on behalf of the impact to the children), or fall back into old patterns.
I am sorry if this comes across as harsh. Hard advice helped me a lot in the last year, especially with getting in touch with what I would call "calm anger."
You aren't going to friend him back. He thinks he knows you. He will keep mashing the same buttons until the response changes. He knows he can hit the SSM button and the controlling button and the "I don't want to break up the family" button and they will work. He knows he can come to you for his conflicted feelings.
No MC until he's committed to the MR.
Frankly I think your H is manipulative and until you detach further it's going to be hard for you to avoid falling into these patterns.
