Ending Limbo

[Core]

Previous thread: Here

My goal by the end of this thread is to end limbo, and I'm strongly leaning towards D. I'm moving my last post below under the line as my thread was nearly full.

I'm 99% sure W lied about going to IC. She's her own person with her own free will and doesnt have to go. The problem is lying to me about it. Its unnecessary and if it is a lie, its probably a manipulation to keep me from filing for D. I'm not ok with being used.

All, I want to file and have wanted it way more than not the past couple months. Its the kids stopping me. I love seeing them everyday. Hearing them while I'm working. Having all this extra time with them as they are home with me. If I D, they go to daycare and there is just so much less time in the day with them, not to mention losing them a week at a time. Is my temporary time with them now worth the energy and financial drain from W. Is it worth having strangers raise my kids because my W wont meet any of my needs. If I ever date again, it would be awhile from now so its not like my relationship needs will be fulfilled either way. The kids do continue to see a dysfunctional marriage daily but if I D, they may never see a functional one as it is. I resent my W for her part in putting us here. Moreso for putting this decision on me to make. I see why she cant make it herself. Just dont get avoiding working on anything. My wants and goals are out of alignment against my will and I can't realign them without making a move. I'm ashamed to even think about Ding to put my happiness above the kids. They are fine in this sitch. Im the one who isnt. How healthy will their dad be with a vampire siphoning his energy however. For my own health and for my kids in the long run, I'm going to D. I'm going to have one last chat with W after I receive my protection device about counseling or D. If she chooses D or more time, I D. I'm taking control back of my life and not sacrificing for someone who gives me nothing. Cooking a few meals a week and talking occasionally is not a wife or partner.

Previous essay:
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U, I forgot to mention thank you for your post on anxiety. It's a beast. It's part of me and I accept it. Managing it is the fun part. When things are going well, its an amazing tool which turns in to excitement and can drive you forward.

All, I spent time the last few days just thinking, visualising and reading a book called Mindful attraction Plan. In that book, they suggest taking a personality test to uncover more about yourself. I did and well, my root personality is that of someone with anxiety, whom wants stability, is trustworthy, reliable yet suspicious. Alot of it resonated well, as does my myers briggs results. Anxiety and stability is part of my core. Who I am. No amount of therapy or medicine can change my personality. It can be managed and directed towards something positive which Ive done in the past and when thats happening, I'm flowing and excited. Like having caffeine for the first time in a month.

I thought, if I had billions of dollars in cold hard cash, no need for a job, what would I do and what would I want. Well, I'd want stability, as much time with my kids as possible and a loving woman to join me in day to day stuff and occasional vacations, as well as live in a foreign country for a few years. I'd like to give back to the community by cleaning up ruined areas and help others going through a tough time.

Here's the conflict...the loving woman part, living in a foreign country and as much time as possible with the kids. I'm holding on for all that to be possible still yet even if we fixed the M, I dont think W will ever be the woman she was that I fell for.

My IC basically said the same thing as Ginger, which Ginger spelled out nicely.

I'm losing part of myself living like this and I'll probably be better off alone 50/50 with the kids.

Wayfarer, I get your POV on recording in a private location. It is awful and same as filing for divorce, it will cross my comfort zone and put me in the land of what I deem not ok. I also dont like hitting people in the face but I'll do it in self defense. Thats what this is. No I wont save every little conversation. The point is to have evidence to cover myself if a false allegation occurs. The consequences of a false allegation are way worse than crossing my own boundary. All it takes is for her to call the cops, get me in jail with no evidence, just her word and I need to spend thousands to prove my innocence. Its legal here to record and if it wasnt, I'd still rather face those fine then lose custody. My attorney told me to "be very careful" after filing especially if I deliver the news.

LH, my confusion/mixed signal is her actually making a fathers day gift for my dad, who was fired when I was. A homemade blanket from a team he likes. She finds me multiple times a day to talk, even when I'm alone in my room. Im guessing I just need to tell her to give me space if I want emotional space.

Wayfarer, on the topic of who I'll be on the otherside of this, I say I don't know as the futures unpredictable. I know who I want to be, but I'm going with the flow, a step at a time. This will make me stronger, more focused. I'm not spending too much energy getting in to that unknown, only just on what I want and whom can achieve those things.
What W disagreeing looks like to me is what she chooses it to be. I dont control it. If youre asking the ideal I'd like to see, it would be to actually listen to my side, for example by pausing to think about what I said, then telling her take in her normal voice. Just be to listened to is all I ask. If her disagreement is logical and makes sense to do, then I'm for it. Right now its like shes full of masculine energy and just wants to challenge everything, aggressively. Maybe its her trying to be assertive. Right now its like a former friends I had, who always tried to be in charge, and disagreed with everything. If it wasnt his way, then he wouldnt be a part of whatever it was.

Wayfarer, As far as how I'd feel if W called out my anxious behaviors, I dont need to think about how it would feel. I know it. Everyone or her friends and family knows it as she told everyone my problems and I didn't hide if something bothered me. She would directly attack me or be unsupportive when I had anxious episodes. With her attacks for one she says that she's sick and two, I helped her when she had them, being kind but not "nice". In regards to your friend that basically ignored their roommate for months, that's easy to do. I did that when I lived with a tool as well. My current roommate is the mother of my kids and the kids really should she some peaceful adult interaction and theres constant interactions of kids asking for mommy or daddy. Both kids are taking medicines and we have to make sure we dont double up doses on accident. Talking about grocery shopping to limit trips and virus risk. It just doesnt seem right to cut her off for the kids sake. I mostly bring up "business" only, she's seeking me out over non business stuff.

This was hilarious "Your idea of harmful is my Tuesday afternoon with 2 teenage girls in the house. I am bursting at the seems with passive aggression". I'm sorry for the struggle. I still don't want to hang around while eyes or rolling or there are sighs from my roommate. My daughter sure, I'd validate her feelings then let her know I dont appreciate the gesture. I do think if I had more tolerance for my W, I'd be less put off and closer to what you're telling me. As it is now, I generally dont care about her moods, she's been in one for years and its toxic. They still affect me but I'm not caring anymore if it makes sense. Rereading this, Clearly I have resentment here to look at.