He's been very peculiar today. We had a phone call with Eldest's therapist about restarting his sessions via electronic means. She doesn't like to work that way usually, but given that the schools here probably aren't going to be back in any sustained way until September (and perhaps only part time hours then...) we managed to have a discussion about it and got an appointment for Eldest via electronic means next week.
H wanted me to know that he was concerned that his own views and feelings on the extent and severity of Eldest's behaviour (according to him) weren't being noted. Apparently the reception on the line was too bad and it was too tiring for him to actually verbalise these concerns. He said he was worried that Eldest was going to say lots of mean things about him, and that the therapist would be working on 'uncorrected information'.
My own opinion is that Eldest is extremely angry with his father because he thinks that he favours Youngest. And I believe he's every right to feel those feelings, he probably has a point, and that though the anger comes out in inappropriate ways, he need some space and validation to work through it. I know in my attempts to repair our marriage I have not validated Eldest as well as I could have done - I thought getting out from between them might help. I want to seek advice from Eldest's therapist as to what is the best course of action in Eldest's best interests - to validate his feelings or to keep away from the topic. I don't care about protecting my marriage but I do care about helping Eldest to work through this. I didn't say any of that to H as it is my problem - my parenting decision - and not one I'm interested in his opinion on or need his help with.
I said, 'isn't that what you're doing, given you haven't engaged with the therapist at all before, didn't say anything of this on the phone, and didn't even ask the question about it? You're assuming what Eldest is going to say, assuming how the therapist will respond, and basing your concerns on that, rather than 'information' that you chose not to get when we were speaking on the phone with her?'
In response, he did his eye rolling and sniggering thing again. I said, 'surely your feelings about your relationship with Eldest are something you'd address in your own therapy?' and he didn't answer, just turned the volume up on the television. I said 'it's very clear to me that you aren't capable of having a rational conversation when someone disagrees with you. If there's something you wanted to say to the therapist and you didn't, that's really nothing to do with me.' More eye rolling and sniggering - like a child - so I cut it short.
I feel like my eyes are wide open here. It's more of the same - he doesn't like the view he imagines Eldest takes on their relationship, but he also isn't willing or able to speak rationally to the person involved - the therapist. And he isn't willing to accept that two people can have different views on the same situation, and that be okay. There are the 'facts' - his experience - and everyone else's opinions, which he needs the chance to 'correct.' Instead of either respecting the autonomy of others, or speaking up for himself, he wants to whine at me about it. Ordinarily, I'd just make nice listening noises or validate him, but I don't want to do that any more as it was costing me too much to pretend I was in conversation with an adult when he so clearly isn't.
He's stomping around now, making it clear he is displeased. I think the net is closing on him - he doesn't have this energy from me that he used to have - or a silence he can interpret as agreement. He's being expected to participate as an adult and a father, if not a partner, and the fact he can't manage that is being clearly exposed. And I spoke to him with great calm and respect and in a quiet tone - so he can't even make something up about me being hysterical without looking totally irrational.
I wish we weren't in lockdown. I feel ready to make some big changes but it just isn't practically possible for me to do more than I have right now. His imaginary solicitor's appointment (this morning, apparently) mysteriously evaporated, so that was more manipulative and escalating behaviour rather than a man acting to advocate in his own legal interests at the end of a relationship.
