Oh my Scout. I have read that book before, but the quotation you posted really really leapt out at me.
I know when Youngest was born I was angry all the time, and behaved appallingly, and basically trained my H to soothe me constantly or face the consequences. It wasn't my intention, I was very sick with very severe PND and while I wish I'd sought treatment earlier, I really had no insight into how sick I was until it had been going on for a year. H then, I guess in his own buried resentment and anger, developed all these passive-aggressive behaviours, I responded to them in childish ways, and we got locked into a pattern that was all about anger and the expression of it. I remember this really clear moment while we were S, and he looked me in the eye and said, very tearfully, 'my wife died when Youngest was born and I miss her.' And I do think there's some truth in that. I turned into a different person overnight, and in response, he made a slow change of his own. And as I've recovered and grown stronger, I'm a much more self sufficient and assertive person than I ever was before Youngest was born. It is very sad.
But yes, when I'm angry now - generally totally reasonably and as a response to the %^* he puts my way, he responds with near GLEE - how well I am confirming the narrative that I'm some crazy hysteric and he's a noble victim! It makes me laugh now, because he's been desperately fight picking again today, and I've either been mildly ignoring him or openly laughing at him. I have a right to my anger, and to work through it as I wish while respecting the boundaries of others.
And May - thank you for your kind words. I don't want to have a heart as hard as this for my whole life. And under all this assertiveness and coldness I am of course sad and worried about what the future will look like. I'm just not willing to make decisions from that place anymore. I hope very much to one day have someone in my life that I can trust, as you trust, and be gentle and kind with, as you are. That isn't there for me right now and I accept that, but I don't want to get calcified in this state either.
