Moving On

[AlisonUK]

May, if you can afford the time and work and expense, and if it would make your girls happy and you can commit to the care, I strongly recommend a puppy. I got one a couple of months after H left the house last year. It was such a sad time. I used to spend hours walking alone, training and exercising the pup and it was a good distraction. It was so lovely for the kids, who could concentrate on that, and it was good for mine and Eldest's relationship, as we went on a lot of walks together. H grumbled about not being properly consulted (!) but I will say that after he moved back in, even he decided he liked the little fella.

This morning, he's bounced back and forth between trying to engage me in arguing (I can't believe you decided you had to do this on Father's Day... you couldn't have just waited one day and let me enjoy the rest of my evening with the kids (ha! ha! ha!)... you know that it is YOUR CHOICE not to be my friend, you are CHOOSING to do this, not me...in the Gottman book he says that SSM is akin to an affair so you basically had an affair for seven years and now you're treating me like this... (that last one got me started but I recovered and disengaged). Those are interspersed with trying to extra nice and jokey or then acting sad and mopey.

Ignore all of this. He's either trying to manipulate you, or he'd rather fight with you then fight with himself. He needs to fight with himself - to have a long hard think about what he wants and what kind of man he wants to be. He won't do that while he's still getting some supply of attention from you - either arguing, or affection, or even just listening to this nonsense. Let him be alone with himself so he can see the type of man he is asking you to live with.

Should I let him say this stuff to me as long as I can listen and not respond?

How is it for you to hear it? Does it use up energy you'd rather spend elsewhere? I am sure some of us are detached enough to listen to just about anything and not let it divert us from our course or have an emotional impact on us that we then have to process. Maybe you're there. Maybe you're there some days and not on others. For me, I'd want to withdraw every single drop of energy I spend on dealing with his lies and manipulations and even - more charitably - doing his emotional processing for or with him. I'm sure he regrets letting another person into the marriage. The question is, is he going to allow that regret to power him into making decisions that serve what he wants for his future, the man he wants to be? Or is he going to carry on dumping it on you? The only way to find out is to stop letting him dump it on you. I'd suggest you talk to him about nothing other than practicalities for the kids and social chit chat in front of them if you feel that would be better for them.

Another sidebar question-- he thinks that if he stays in the M, it will be out of fear and he'll become a cliche, the man who could have had happiness and didn't have the b@lls to take the step.. Whereas I feel like him leaving for a 34 year old AP is like the total stereotypical cliche. Am I wrong?

Who cares? He wants an open marriage or your blessing to leave you for his mistress. He's not getting either, and he needs to deal with that and make his next move, knowing you are gathering thoughtfulness to make your own. Nothing else matters. I do not see you as a cliche at all. Leave the theory to the therapists and the sociologists: you go and build a brilliant life.

(And the sad part is that I listened, I am seeing now. I'm a slow learner.)

I don't know if you've read my early threads May, but you are NOT a slow learner. Not as slow as I am! You are where you should be, doing what you should do, and thinks will unfold in their own time. You are in control of where you live, what conversations you listen to, how you respond, and how you express your feelings. A change in view or feelings or perspective takes a little longer - like a plant growing - and while we can put that plant in good conditions (and I see you doing that more and more) we can't force it to grow at a pace that suits us, or anyone else.

I have all the power there and he is going to be railroaded into an unhappy, passionless M where he looks in the mirror and wishes he was with AP every day for the rest of his life. Of course I don't want that either. I don't really see a path for R for us. Does that mean I have to bite the bullet and make the call myself because that is the only viable path I see in front of me right now? I don't know... again, I just need to sit with all of this for awhile again. I've come a long ways in the last week.

You DO Have all the power, May. You really do. Your H will do whatever it is he does - I suspect once he feels he's really lost your interest in this dynamic you've been playing out together, he might raise the stakes a bit - threats to fight you for the house, or really rubbing his contact with his mistress in your face, or other childish behaviours. Don't underestimate how very childish even a basically good man can be when he isn't getting what he wants from Mommy. Hold your course. Sit with all of this for exactly as long as you choose to. The right course of action is the one you choose from a position of serenity and self-respect. You've got this.