May, you are doing so well—processing all of this in double-time, it seems—and I’m just glad you’re also taking a breath (many breaths!) and allowing yourself as much time as you need to just be, through all the cr*p (can’t remember if that is censored!)... because this is a lot. A lot for your H to keep thinking he can put on you, since he still seems to be unable to process anything he is going through without wanting to have you process it for him/alongside him. Keep enforcing or expanding that boundary as you find you need to to protect yourself. And it’s just a lot for you to process in terms of your career, choices you will make regarding the children, etc. Give yourself time.
Also this struck me—
Originally Posted by may22
(At one point early on when we were fighting and I said everyone would know he was a total cheating a-hole, he said you don't need to tell people that, you don't want people feeling sorry for you. I said, I'm not going to lie to my friends. He tried to go the kid way (do you want to scar them like that, people knowing this?) and then when that didn't work said, ok fine, I'll just have to tell people that you didn't sleep with me for seven years and I'll be the one they feel sorry for. I was like, OK, that is fine with me.)
—Because it seems every time H told someone after BD that we were D it was because he hadn’t been happy for a long time (of course news to me) and—he had to throw this in—because I didn’t have sex with him for so many years. Not to downplay the hurt he must have been just then acknowledging and feeling, but... these WAH/WH really need to find justifications, don’t they? Particularly, it seems, when being “the bad guy” is a real fear for them.
Also, ugh, the continuous shifting of blame—i.e. you choosing to ruin his Father’s Day? Please! Don’t pick that up. Focus on you. Is there some really good meal you can pick up/make for yourself? Something that will nourish you, body and soul? Novels, yes; kittens and/or puppies, yes.
Anyway, still reading along—following all of this fabulous advice—and sending love to you.
