But I don't care to validate his nonsense any more: what is actually happening is that he doesn't seem to be able to cope with living with people he can't control. Youngest has a very easy going nature, and is of course a much younger child. When she gets older and has her own mind, I am sure H will find that threatening too. I believe - and I know I've said this before - he mistakes anything other than obedience to his wishes to be my controlling him, and that is because he does not have the skills and control over his own emotions to have a conversation about collaborative solutions, and he does not have the humility to change his course or take feedback once his mind is made up on something. I believe our marriage collapsed because in his passive aggression he swallowed his own needs, didn't speak for them and resented my not meeting them. And because when he left that space, I moved forward and filled it with my own stuff. I am more intelligent and articulate than he is, more confident, and more relationship-focussed.
Alison, we married the same man. Once the dust settles from this, know that there is immeasurable peace and contentment in living an authentic life. Men like our Hs will never live an authentic life. They are incapable.
In my situation, the escalation tactics were just hot air. My X made a lot of noise about taking my house and fighting me for custody, and then collapsed like an overcooked noodle when I held my (reasonable and legally informed) position.
If I may recommend a book for you, I'd suggest 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. There's a PDF version online. It really helped me understand the abusive dynamic in my marriage. Goodreads has a great collection of quotes if you can't be arsed to read the whole book (it is quite long, but engrossing all the same).
Quote
YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.
