Moving On

[may22]

Thanks, everyone. You've given me a lot to work with and I really appreciate it. I'm going to think on a lot of this and respond, but first just wanted to give you an update.

Yesterday I think I had about 8 hours on my own, which hasn't happened in... I'm not sure how long. Obviously not since coronavirus started, but even before that I'm mostly at work or at home or with friends and never on my own. That space was hugely helpful. I did spend an hour or so on the phone with my friend, processing my new anger and where I feel now, and time here on the boards. I reached out to two more attorneys to get more than one opinion, hopefully can schedule some appointments this week. I worked on financial spreadsheets with various scenarios. I had had a knee-jerk reaction to the idea of H getting an apartment, thinking we couldn't afford that, and/or it is so selfish of him to take that money away from the family just because of X. But the truth is, I need space from him, he needs space from me, and we have the money even if we have to dip into our savings. Money shouldn't be the excuse for stopping this necessary action to happen.

I was really, really angry yesterday. I used that to fuel this and really sit with H being ... just not a good person. A liar, a cheater, totally self-absorbed, sad and immature and unable to deal with the natural consequences of his own actions. I was wanting to boot him out but as you guys are all saying (and I took from previous suggestions here) I decided I wanted to sit with this before taking any major action. I want to meet with an attorney before I make any real proposals.

I have held this "I don't want to be the one" feeling for so long, I don't want to let it go out of anger and then regret. After a couple of hours of really trying to process this, I am still sitting with the "I don't want to be the one." My friend pressed me on this yesterday-- is that for me? or for him? I said I think for both-- for me, I don't want to look back on this and feel like I was the one to pull the trigger. That we are at a precipice brought here by the actions of my H, but I'm not prepared at this point to be the one to kick it over the cliff. And for him-- maybe petty, maybe controlling, definitely demonstrating I'm not fully detached-- I simply don't want to give him this excuse. He doesn't get to offload this one on me. At least not yet.

The other thing I sat in all day yesterday was what it would be like to be Ded from H. And I have to say-- maybe anger-fueled-- but for the first time it didn't seem scary. It seemed a relief. Once I accepted as truth that he isn't just a damaged human being that has made a mistake, but he's a lying cheater who I can't believe or trust-- and he is simply not in a place where he can make any kind of recommitment to the M-- there is no point in trying. The only path for me forward is to accept where I am and move forward on my own, prioritizing my own emotional safety and healing. I went through what I'd say to my parents, to friends. I am letting go of any chance of R. I don't want to R with this person. He isn't someone I need in my life any more than absolutely necessary.

He came home with the kids and tried to hug me. I did not physically respond. I spoke to him and said I was done talking. That he knows what I think and I know what he thinks. That I finally believe him and I am no longer going to talk to him about this. But I'm ready to move on and while I'm still not going to make his decision for him, he should know that I'm fine with that choice, I believe that is what he wants in his heart and I'm not standing in his way.

He kind of flipped out. Why was I so angry, why was I ruining Father's Day. He tried to argue with me and I simply said no, no, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Why can't he live in the basement, why can't I be friends, isn't that in the best interests of the children, I'm the one choosing to make this more difficult, etc. I didn't engage. I did say I thought it was cruel and wrong of him to ask that of me but I didn't want to talk about it anymore. He said he can't just leave and go to a hotel and just be gone. We need to talk to the girls. I said yes, of course we would do that first. He said can't he just go down to the basement and live there while they get used to the idea. I said I didn't think that was good for me, or frankly, good for him. If he wants to feel like what it would be like for us to be apart, we actually need to be apart. Living in the basement is continued cake-eating and disrespectful to me. He said he feels like I have made the decision for him, just now in the other way. I said no. This is your decision. But I'm also working on what i need to do for me. Then he said OK, maybe first step I should move to the office. I said that is a good idea.

Then he completely deflated. He said it is impossible for him to do this if it means that we can't still be a family for the children. I said, they'll be fine. They're resilient. You'll get plenty of time with them. He sat around for a long time, moped in the bathroom, turned on the shower and didn't get in. I ignored it all. Dinner, Mandalorian, girls wanted to go to sleep in the MB with me cuddling them and I thought... why not. So I did, I fell asleep too, then came out a little after 10. He hadn't taken his pillow and was lying sadly in the office on the futon, not pulled out. No covers, no phone, just staring into the darkness. (so dramatic.) He asked where the kids were, I told him in my bed. Oh, *my* bed now? he asked. I just looked at him for a long time, then I said, "our bed." (maybe shouldn't have said.) Then I asked him if he wanted his pillow.

He said he hasn't made any decisions, he doesn't know what to do, blah blah blah. I didn't say anything, just looked at him and then said I was tired and going to bed. He said he was going to move the girls back to their bed and sleep in ours tonight. I said fine. He moped all sadly to the bedroom and got into bed. He lay there and asked me if I thought his feelings for AP were an addition, like a drug, how would I treat it differently. I said, if you had a drug addiction, I would try to support you through recovery. But you would have to want it to recover. That part is up to you, not to me. And you've told me you don't want that. Then I went to sleep and got eight straight hours for the first time in a looooong time.

This morning, he's bounced back and forth between trying to engage me in arguing (I can't believe you decided you had to do this on Father's Day... you couldn't have just waited one day and let me enjoy the rest of my evening with the kids (ha! ha! ha!)... you know that it is YOUR CHOICE not to be my friend, you are CHOOSING to do this, not me...in the Gottman book he says that SSM is akin to an affair so you basically had an affair for seven years and now you're treating me like this... (that last one got me started but I recovered and disengaged). Those are interspersed with trying to extra nice and jokey or then acting sad and mopey. A bird got into the house and was flying around. I called him and asked him to take care of it, which he did. Then he hugged me (I allowed this which I should not have) and then said see, I am good for something. I shrugged and said, I guess, and then walked away. He said "ouch" and stood there. I feel pretty calm watching all this... although I had been so sure yesterday he would jump on my new attitude and take it as the opportunity to actually walk, was ready to start the ball really rolling on some of these things, it is a little hard to see him now starting to back down. I know this is just the pursuer-distancer dynamic and also him trying to abdicate responsibility. I just need to stay strong where I am because it is the right thing to do, for me, and not let him have this power over me.

I think one of my challenges is going to be that the reality I embraced yesterday is the reality of who H really is, right now, who is not someone I want to live with or partner with in any way. He isn't someone I want in my life. I'm disgusted by his selfishness, his cowardice, his lying, his inability to stand up and take responsibility for his own actions and try to make right. He just can't do it. And no amount of me wanting him to is going to make that happen. In this scenario, I am losing all desire for R because I don't want to be with this person in any way.

The other vision of him is the one I've been hanging onto all this time, a damaged but fundamentally good human being who has made a lot of big mistakes and is trapped by them, but that the possibility remains that he could make the right choice/choices and do the work to recover. I feel a little tugged back in this direction, especially when he is sad and mopey and asking me questions about how he could let her go. I think probably, in the end, he is both... but I don't really know that I have the capacity right now to be able to cognitively hold both of those at the same time. I think leaning on the a$$hole is my path to healing. This would be all so much easier without the children.

I know that consistency is important and sitting with where I am for awhile is as well. I found myself wanting to lash out in anger yesterday and was able to control that. today I feel tugs of wanting to be kind or responsive and I want to control those as well. I completely agree with the time and space suggestions-- I don't want to do anything rash, I want to sit with these feelings and be OK with them while I continue to enforce my new boundaries.

Thanks, friends. I'll respond separately to all the good thoughts you've posted for me. xx