I wouldn't be surprised if he continues with it either. We've gone through phases with this. His anger expressed in childish ways used to terrify me, and I'd placate him or admit fault or make empty promises to improve or blow up and match it with tears and anger of my own. Then he moved out, and after a lot of door-mattish and pursuing behaviour on my part, which made him and our situation worse for everyone, I just set some cast-iron boundaries and made to move on, and he started to show some progress. Then he moved in, and there was some collaboration and adult conversations, but where things are very difficult (his feelings - I would guess - of anxiety and inadequacy that result in being asked to change or adjust his parenting style, and take into consideration the needs and opinions of others, and balance those with his own) he reverts to type. And in this phase, wanting to give things a chance, and let him go on his own journey with his therapy (which he abandoned) and his changes (which he could not sustain) I left the room rather than be subject to his tantrums, which did protect me from them, but it means nothing was resolved, and he didn't get the resolution he wanted. So with nothing being resolved, his resentment at not getting what he wants is building again - as is his withdrawal and passive aggressive and childish tantruming behaviour.
He has choices here, of course - he can collaborate like an adult, or he can leave - but it seems he's unable or unwilling to collaborate like an adult. He knows full well that this is unacceptable to me, but I don't think he has ever heard me say - calmly and without expectations it will 'improve' his response - that the status quo is now over.
I feel very calm and strong. I was so worried that my leaving the room and refusing to engage with his nonsense was putting a barrier between us, and halting the progress on repairing our marriage. Now I see that repairing our marriage takes two willing and able partners, and I accept that is not on my menu of options. What is in my power is to choose to put up with it, go back to my old behaviours, or to end the relationship. I am choosing to end things. I'll take the next practical steps in my own time and in my own way.
When I did this while we were separated it really triggered him into doing some self reflection and coming back. I'm not interested in a marriage where I have to irregularly start divorce proceedings in order to inspire adult behaviour in him. And at the very best case scenario, that's what he has to offer me. It isn't enough, and it has never been enough. My priority now is myself and my children. I'm both prepared for his escalation tactics, and entirely uninterested by them.
