Wife not showing much effort?

[SteveLW]

Hi. Thanks for taking the time to check out this post.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years with two kids, 11 and 8. It’s been a good marriage but has been pretty stale over the last two years or so and more like roommates vs husband and wife. In January my wife hit a MLC mode and decided to go back to nursing school and started to blame me for everything and that I’m the problem. This became worse in March with fights and she kept saying “divorce” and then would take it back. Well, she filed in early May and then at the end of May had a breakdown and said she wanted to pause the divorce.

We had a 3 counseling sessions in April with a so/so counselor. Since the end of May, the tension and conflict is down and I’ve put in a lot of work- seeing my own counselor, reading a lot of books/posts and trying to be more supportive and loving.

Here’s my question - is it normal to feel like your giving 110% and getting back 10%? She won’t say she loves me, no intimacy, sleeping in separate bedrooms and so on. We are worse than roommates but she is getting full support to be in nursing school and I’m doing everything else.

I love her, but how long do you give and give until you want to run away?

Welcome Dblake, and sorry you are going through this. I know the pain and anguish and sleepless nights you have experienced through all of this. These situations stink, and are difficult to go through. Please keep posting and giving us more details. I am sure there are is a lot you haven't shared yet.

First of all, I think there is some good signs in your sitch. The fact that she paused the D shows that she isn't completely sure that she wants a D. But be careful with MC because often that is just a WAS agreeing to go in order to later say that they tried everything. Also, if you do continue MC do not settle for a so-so counselor. You wouldn't keep going to a restaurant with bad service, so don't settle for a counselor that isn't working for you either.

As far as your question goes, what you really need to do is temper your expectations. We all struggled with this as LBSs. We thought if we became Super Spouse that it would magically turn our WAS around. It doesn't. You are giving 110% with an EXPECTATION that she will give more too. That will kill you every time in DBing. NO EXPECTATIONS. Also, you should be asking if you should even be giving 110% right now. At least 110% as her H. She is in the process of firing you as her H, and your natural reaction is to turnaround and be Super Husband. That has rarely, if ever, resulted in reconciliation.

So what you should be doing is concentrating on you. Go out and GAL and recapture that guy she initially fell in love with. Absolutely work on yourself with 180s for self-improvement. If you were a bitter, angry jerk, certainly stop that and become an attentive, present person when around her. But in keeping with GAL don't be spending every waking minute with her. And then study and learn what detachment is, and start working towards that. (Hint: It isn't ignoring her!) You want to get to a place where you can remain emotionally even no matter what she says or does.

But you do all of that with ZERO, NONE, NADA expectations. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. When you DB hoping it will turn her around it causes her to get the feeling you are just changing to save the marriage. And that will make her think that once she is fully committed back that you will revert back to your old ways. So change.....FOR YOU.

So in short, don't give 110% because you are expecting anything from her, give 110% for yourself!