Moving On

[SteveLW]

May, it is with mixed emotions that I write this post. First, I am still so sorry for what you are going through. I really wish I could have a magic wand and make all WASs/WSs wake up to the pain and anguish they are causing, and actually care more about that than their own selfish wants. But on the other hand I love that YOU have had an awakening and that you realize that this flawed human-being is not the man you married, and that he has morphed into a lying cheater than can't think past his own desires.

One of the reasons I try to get LBWs in particular in situations like yours to understand that they are now dealing with a lying cheater is because denial really paralyzes them. There is a tendency to dwell on how wonderful the cheater is/was and to gloss over the fact that he has been acting like a complete putz for quite some time. So I am happy to see you at least realizing that this guy is not worthy of your time and attention.

However, I hesitate to celebrate because I am sure your roller-coaster of emotions will swing back from anger to fear once again. And that you are more reacting to your recent R than really ready to move on with your life. This is why we tell LBHs to not make decisions rashly based on emotions. Let yourself have some time to not only process, but also to really understand how you feel. Most of us as LBSs go into R talks hoping to hear what we want. And when we don't we spin or get angry or get sad and hurt, or get fearful. So what I can tell you is to continue working on your detachment. If after an R talk like this you still get angry, then you aren't there yet. You need to avoid the tendency to overreact to his words and actions, even if that overreaction moves you in the right direction.

Many LBSs have lashed out and demanded the WAS/WS move out after an ill advised R talk, only to regret that their S moved out afterward. This is why we always say to take time before making a big decision. You are angry., and you should be, but make choice and decisions out of a good place rather than reacting to the feeling you are feeling at the moment.

Also, be careful in dealing with this creature. There is rarely a more cowardly being than a cheating husband that refuses to let go of his W for his AP, or his AP for his W. He is looking to you to make that decision because he wants to be the victim. "I didn't move out, she kicked me out." Etc. I say be careful not because of him, but because your goal is to move onward and upward without regrets. He IS going to try to be the victim in all of this. You have to be at a place where you do not care what he or anyone else thinks because you know the truth. So many LBSs struggle with what the kids will think, what friends will think, what church will think, what family will think. You need to get to a place where you realize you can't control any of that, and that you knowing the truth is good enough.

So follow the course of action you ended your post with, but take time to really consider what you want. If you ask him to leave please do it out of a place of really being ready to move on with your life....not as a way, even if only really deep down, of trying to give him one last wake up call.