Oh and... it is crazy-making that now he is deciding to read these marriage and affair books at this late date. he read the first section of Shirley Glass and so since she says 100% transparency is critical, decided to tell me what happened when he broke it off in February. Yep, they did sleep together, that is why he never wanted to tell me the details. (When I asked why he told me that nothing had happened that I'd be upset about, or only a 4-5 on a scale of 1-10, he said he'd slept with her before so it wasn't like this was all that different. Yes. this is the man I have spent 17 years of my life with, had two children with, and am now entangled with for life because of those two girls who I love more than anything.) But, it is helpful knowledge as it is helping me detach at a very fast pace.
May, you are doing brilliantly here and your anger is your friend. I don't know what the end of the story looks like for you, and what the best course of action is right now for you and your children. But I do know that anger helps you take action, that it stops you living in denial, and that boundaries are your friend both in separation and divorce and in building healthy marriages or co-parenting relationships.
A couple of tiny 2x4s. Of course he slept with her. I think you always knew that, didn't you?
And he didn't decide to read the Shirley Glass book. You said you saw him reading the Gottman book and you recommended the Glass book instead. That's smothering and controlling behaviour. It isn't off the charts - I'm not saying you're being abusive - but I am saying you are still in his business. Leave his reading and thinking alone. Leave his healing and decision making process alone. You have got to get out of his head and his heart and let him make his own decisions in his own time, no matter how awful the process is for you. You have no obligation to wait for him, to like his decisions or approve of his thinking process. You can end this whenever you want, but you can't manipulate it to work out the way you want it to. It's awful, I know.
My 2x4 is back in the box.
I do think you're doing so well, you know. He has engineered a situation that makes you into the bad guy no matter what you do (in his eyes) because that's preferable to him looking at himself and making some painful decisions and living the consequences of them. And the only possible thing you can do it step right back, let him lie in his bed and feel the consequences of it for as long as it takes. You're not going to talk him out of blaming you for his his pain and confusion, but it also does not mean you are to blame. You aren't. I love the plans you're making for your business and your future. These are good things, with or without him. Are there other things like that you can fill your time and headspace with?
