I kicked ass for Father's Day. I feel really good about it, because it's purely reflective of who I am--not based on his actions or for a certain reaction. I kept to myself the whole day, and he sought me out. I insisted this is his time with the kids, that I wanted them to focus on one another without distraction, ie me. I've been a mediator/facilitator for them, um, always. I'm stepping back in so many areas, and he's experiencing growing pains. However he *is* growing. I'm proud of him actually.
I've done a ton of reflection. Our relationship was unhealthy. I don't think he realizes how unhealthy, as he's still struggling with codependent behavior and attempts to include in that. (I am struggling too, but I'm getting better! It will likely be a lifelong battle tbh. Yay, stubborn childhood beliefs!) Anyways, I'm fine with the relationship ending. It's sad, but if we can't be healthy together, then we can't be together. There's a lot of 'I wish I knew this years ago' regret, but you don't know what you don't know. I'd love to see if we can, but I'm not expecting that. The door is closed (maybe ajar) but not locked. I'm functioning on facts and logic. Emotions are dumb and misleading. So, we're discussing finances later this week. Probably address the house in a few weeks. Small steps. I'm still having anxiety attacks when facing real change, but it needs to happen if this is happening. He may chicken out and backpedal. He's still not done a thing. He hasn't even said the word divorce. But I need some progress in this. It's not going to the way it was.
I am thriving really. I had a friendship with a family member repaired through the communication skills I've been learning. My kids feel loved and liked. I'm sticking to all my stuff. I've been working on some art projects. Ah, I got a small group of friends to do an erotic-ish painting. It sounds weird, but it has been really positive for my body image. That's about it.
