Moving On

[curtis7]

Oh and... it is crazy-making that now he is deciding to read these marriage and affair books at this late date. he read the first section of Shirley Glass and so since she says 100% transparency is critical, decided to tell me what happened when he broke it off in February. Yep, they did sleep together, that is why he never wanted to tell me the details. (When I asked why he told me that nothing had happened that I'd be upset about, or only a 4-5 on a scale of 1-10, he said he'd slept with her before so it wasn't like this was all that different. Yes. this is the man I have spent 17 years of my life with, had two children with, and am now entangled with for life because of those two girls who I love more than anything.) But, it is helpful knowledge as it is helping me detach at a very fast pace.

Hi May, of course they slept together and of course he lied to you about it or was vague with the details. This is what they know and who they are during affairs. My WW started reading the Glass book in early March right after I gave her the D settlement documents to review. A week later is when she came to me in tears asking for another month. At the time she was only a third of the way through the book and asked me when it was going to tell her what to do. She said she wished someone (other than me) would just tell her whether to R or D. I don’t believe she has read any more of the book since.

My WW was much like her H as she would show signs of considering R all the while the A was continuing. Many WAS won’t change or do anything different until they’re forced to. My WW was one of biggest cake eaters out there. She wanted the cozy, stable, and secure family life and the passion filled fantasy AP. Sound familiar?

May, you need to decide if your emotional well being can tolerate being in an open MR any longer. Your H’s A has been going on a long time. He’s still ambivalent and what’s worse is that he’s still in contact with his AP. Now, at least he’s being transparent with you and sharing his ambivalence. However, that doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to accept. I finally reached a point where I realized that I can do better. I was also sick of my kids being lied to about what was really going on. When I discovered the latest betrayal, I decided that moving forward with D was better than continuing to be part of a triangular relationship. My kids would be fine, would understand eventually, and would be better off with me removing myself from that misery. That was a tough decision that took me over a year to reach as you know how hard I fought to stand for my kids as it aligned with my values and the parental experience I wanted them to have growing up.

So, one thing that I think really hit her was when I told her at the beginning of this month that we need to move forward with the D as I am longer going to tolerate it and live this way. I also told her that we needed to tell the kids and that she would be the one to tell them that she was having an affair. I think this hit her right between the eyes with the reality of how devastating it would be for the kids to hear what she had chosen. Let me ask, do your daughters know about your H’s escapades? How do you think they would handle hearing that and how would it affect your H? Does he value their opinion of him?

May, as you know absolute NC is so vitally important. You need to find a catalyst for your H to get there or you may be in limbo for years. I think you were starting to reap some of the rewards of NC in the past few months. Although, once NC was broken, much of the progress was wiped away.

I tried to give my WW the choice time and time again. She refused to choose me. I finally decided to choose me. I don’t know if this latest round of NC will stick. What I do know is that without NC, I want nothing to do with my W. So, May, choose yourself and then you can see who your H really chooses. Wishing you the best!