He's scared to MO because he is scared about hurting the kids, hurting me, losing the house, losing me as a friend, losing these month-long family vacations he had planned with the kids, scared of the financial issues, scared of the social blowback, scared of being the a$$hole, scared the R with AP won't work out after all and he'll end up sad and alone. The last one I think scares him the most, even more than hurting the children. I'm realizing that he really needs to feel loved and needed to be whole. He described it like a drug she gives him to fill this need that he didn't even realize he had. Sounds unhealthy to me.
It's been great to have time today without him in the house. I'm really coming around to the idea that this is not what I want for myself. That "trying" with him is a waste of time. Was it somewhere on the boards I read you can't clap with one hand? I've been trying to clap with my hand for a long time. He isn't willing to put his hand out there. So I need to move on.
I think I'm ready to implement those next levels of boundaries-- limited contact as much as I can. no friendly interactions. Just business. Absolutely no more discussion of the R or the A. I still think I'm not going to give him the gift of asking him to move out of the MB. And I'll spend this next week really considering my options and sitting with this feeling of maybe he isn't such a prize after all. That if we did go through all this rigamarole, is he really the person I want to be with aside from him being the father of my children? Am I willing to compromise on that? And he's been telling me over and over he can't fall in love with me again, he can never let her go, he's afraid he'll cheat on me again... okay. I remember BluWave telling me long, long ago to believe him. So I think I will. If I take what he is saying at face value... there is no hope for R so why bother even trying. And, if he is the kind of person who chooses his own sexual gratification over the well-being of his children... he isn't someone I ever really need to be around anyway, let alone married to. It is worth a lot of money and grief to extricate him from my life.
I'm thinking about strategy too-- I think he'll be willing to give me a lot if I do this nicely, and even if we don't D right away I'm thinking about a post-nup agreement on some of the financial terms that we can execute when the time comes. Something I can talk about to the attorney. I'm also trying to sit with my long-held belief that I don't want to be the one to make this decision -- I want it to be him-- and see how I feel about either taking on that decision for him in order to get what I want in a settlement or spare myself any more of this cr@p, and how that may make me feel down the line.
It took me awhile but I'm getting there, guys. Help me hang tough.
Oh and... it is crazy-making that now he is deciding to read these marriage and affair books at this late date. he read the first section of Shirley Glass and so since she says 100% transparency is critical, decided to tell me what happened when he broke it off in February. Yep, they did sleep together, that is why he never wanted to tell me the details. (When I asked why he told me that nothing had happened that I'd be upset about, or only a 4-5 on a scale of 1-10, he said he'd slept with her before so it wasn't like this was all that different. Yes. this is the man I have spent 17 years of my life with, had two children with, and am now entangled with for life because of those two girls who I love more than anything.) But, it is helpful knowledge as it is helping me detach at a very fast pace.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
