This is very, very similar to my H when he made his decision to stay, though he couldn't say it was because he wanted me but wanted the M, so that is a difference for you, and also my H was very clear about the importance of AP to him by the end. It could be that your H isn't being honest with you or himself on how important she is to him, or he could be telling the truth. That is something I might think about a little if I were you. (Note-- it also may not be her as a person, but how she makes him feel-- my H has said AP is like a drug and has just recently told me it isn't about her but about how she makes him feel because of how she loves him/needs/wants/touches him) and your H may need some time to let go of not just her as his EAP, but the fantasy of her and what she represented for him, along with the other stuff he talked about trying on for size. My H also felt enormous relief when he ended his A four months ago, but that wasn't enough, at least for him, to maintain NC or really focus on the MR with me.)
My H also resisted the NC thing, said the exact same thing about me being controlling, he had to do this his way or not at all. So we did it his way. And it didn't work.
And looking back-- I do think continued space is really important and no expectations. Don't rely on him for your healing yet.
They say when your WS is truly ready to reconcile, there is no question. They're willing to do anything and everything to make it right and work it out with you. He'll be the one making the appointment with the MC, not you. I think you aren't really piecing until you have that 100% total commitment. If he's still pulling back a bit and questioning his choice, I think you are still in total DBing mode and need to treat it that way. I think I moved too quickly into what I needed from him to get to piecing rather than continuing to treat him like a WH.
Hang in there. This sure isn't for the faint of heart!! I have my fingers crossed for you guys.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
