Wooba... the big thing that is stopping me is the act of telling the children, he moves out (or wherever). That actually hasn't happened yet. And the (silver lining?) to all of this is that he's actually become a far more present and involved father over the past I'd say year and a half. Probably out of guilt but good for the kids. So yes... I feel like he pushed our family to the very very edge of a cliff. But he is trying to make me be the one to push it off.
My anger is building. I am getting closer to doing whatever it takes to kick him out. Broke my boundary of an R talk last night but it did help me in the detachment process. I'm starting to see how selfish he is, how wholly immersed in what he wants and needs with lip service only to me. Someone (sorry, can't remember who it was, but thank you) posted that this is a man who would sit in the basement talking to his mistress and not caring that his W was upstairs probably crying her eyes out. That image has really stuck with me. It is so unjust and wrong to expect me to just go along with all of this and be his friend and spend time together "because it is best for the kids" when he can't pull his big boy pants on and end his A and actually work on the M in a fully-fledged way, if we really want to give the kids the best possible chance? He is OK with my pain and throwing his AP in my face in his mind forever (because they have True Love and will be together for the rest of their lives of course), and he has to be true to himself and take this chance on happiness, blaming me for the SSM which was responsible for him embarking on an A, asking me to suck it up for the sake of the children? He can't even bring himself to volunteer to GTFO of my life further than the basement because he doesn't want to waste money and also doesn't want to be away from the kids? He had the b@lls to say to me last night that he sees this just as the next step in the natural progression of our relationship.
Steve... I've been repeating after you, he is a lying cheater.
Anyway. I'm sitting in this anger right now. I am starting to wonder why I want to be with this person who has done all these things and who is willing to put me through so much additional pain because of his own selfishness and poor choices.
I repeated my stance to him over and over-- this is your decision. I'm not going to make it for you. I don't want to talk about why or why not I wouldn't want to be friends with you if you leave me for another woman. I don't want to hear about her or your feelings for her. This is your bed. You made it. You need to decide how you're going to get yourself out of it.
He had started reading the Gotttman book when this all happened last week, and I told him I didn't see much of a point in him reading that now. Maybe he should read the Shirley Glass book. He said OK and I ordered it on Amazon (I have it on my Kindle but he prefers real books). It came yesterday. I left it in the package and he opened it and started reading it (which surprised me, tbh). He said his IC thinks he needs to go be with the person he really loves. I said go for it. He still hangs onto his primary condition (which has changed slightly in the wording though when I asked him about it-- it was "we have to make this decision together and stay friends"-- now it is "I won't forcibly leave May without her agreeing it is what she wants too") so when I say go, he says not unless we can do it as friends. It is perverse. He is still in the G-D bedroom.
(His other condition used to be "do not hurt the kids." Now he added one-- "not abandon AP"-- and the children one shifted to "maintain the best situation possible for the children no matter what" which is kind of a ridiculous condition as it is a given, but I think he is interpreting that right now as "May and I stay friends" in order to provide that for the children.)
He said to me this morning (a) if I really loved him I would want him to be happy (b) if I wanted a real shot at our M2.0 I should "let" him go try and fail with AP (presumably being open to reconciling after he had his fun) (c) he didn't think he'd ever be able to stop loving her or hurting me.
He thinks he is in an untenable situation and his two options are either move out now or really push her out of his head the best he can and try 100% to make it work with me for six months, and if at the end of the six months it didn't work, to call up AP and see where she is. I did not respond to this.
He said he's scared to try with me because he doesn't think it will work and he is haunted by her moving on (she's talking to her ex about starting things back up with him, and he may come and visit her for awhile to test it out which would involve a two-week quarantine together in her apartment, and has also been talking to another guy about traveling together this summer. Apparently both of these ideas are freaking the $hit out of H because he can't stand to think of her with someone else and he might lose her forever).
He's scared to MO and all that will entail. He thinks the only way out of the situation for him is for either her to no longer be an option (she changes her mind again about children or moves on/gets over him) or for me to tell him to leave, ideally in a friendly and "consciously uncoupling" way. (He did actually use that term, folks. That is what I'm dealing with right now). One of us needs to make the call for him. And every time he says this to me-- he is totally ambivalent, he doesn't know what to do, the scales are equally weighted-- it disgusts me, because if it were me, the answer would be so, so easy. Make the choice that hurts the children the least. Easy. The fact that he can't do that ... maybe is enough of a reason for me to walk out. Maybe it doesn't need to be him breaking up the family. It can be him paralyzed with indecision when there is a path to choose that will hurt the children less.
I'm moving very much towards asking him again to move out-- asking, not telling, which I think would have a better potential outcome. if he refuses, ask him to move to the basement and work on some system to get as much of his $hit down there as possible so he isn't up in the house. Before I do this, though, I want to consult with an attorney-- I reached out today to schedule a consultation. I am starting to feel like I don't want to be married to this bozo even if he is the father of my children.
(I'm purposely not thinking about the children today. He took them on a hike for Father's Day so I have some alone time to process things. I think I've been thinking about them so much I haven't thought about me. Wayfinder... maybe I do love me more, or I can love me more when we are in a situation where the oxygen masks have dropped and the only way I can be sure they are safe is to strap my own oxygen mask on first.)
What I don't know how to handle, if I do go this route, is how to address the "but we need to be friends" question. I am thinking of saying, If you aren't willing to work on our M with AP out of the picture, I no longer want to be married to you, and I no longer want to be friends with you. I am asking you to leave. Please respect my desire to have as little contact with you as possible. Then going stone cold silent unless it is about logistics with him leaving or the children.
Then-- do I assist him at all with GTFO? I am thinking I could go down to the basement today and start measuring to see how much $hit we could get down there of his, to limit any need for him to be upstairs.
I did have some bouts of silence today, not making eye contact, not responding to any of his jokes or bids for my attention. It was interesting-- I treated every sentence like a text in a NC situation. Does it need a response? If not, don't. It actually worked pretty well, and I was able to still make eye contact and connect with the girls even in the midst of not interacting at all with H at the breakfast table. So that could be possible.
Anyway. So far over the last couple of days I've scheduled an IC appointment, my last DB coaching appointment (might as well use it), reached out to schedule an attorney consult. had in-person (though outdoors) long long talk with the friend who knows everything. reviewed finances, worked on consulting business plan. I have a meeting with my executive coach to work on the business plan next week, she knows about H-- both what happened before but then the recent relapse-- so I'm needing to shift a lot of things around to not depend on him for insurance and finances. Practiced yoga.
Comments welcome. xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
