Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Liz11]

I'm new and I haven't even read the entire thread, but this struck a chord for me. I have not yet had the opportunity to try, and have only read/heard Michele's words, but I think its extremely important to get to marriage COACHING as soon as possible, especially now when there is lots of hope with the rekindling. Get a marriage coach to teach you how to fan the flames just right. Not too fast, don't blow too hard. Build up nice strong coals with your fire, so that you don't flame out.

I've done the marriage counseling before... the one that leads to "therapy" and never quite gets back around to coaching and looking forward. Focus forward. Focus on what you will become.

Just my two cents and lots of hope that I get your opportunity some day.

Best wishes to you both.

Shane, thank you...I think you and May are right- I need to look at as ‘coaching’ rather than ‘counselling’ , the latter of which seems to have negative connotations of dealing with bad things that have happened, pulling apart the past, and/or each other. I want to be looking forwards, at how we make sure we meet each other’s needs and be of real value to each other.

At the moment things are steady and stable and definitely going in the right direction, but I still have this feeling that it can’t possibly be true...he can’t really want to come back for me, there must be another reason. I guess this is the insecurity and mistrust that had embedded itself over the last 15 months, and along with that is the fear that it will happen again.

I agree 100% with what Shane and May said, and I very much appreciate the way Shane put that...with a focus on the future rather than the past. The "coaching" vs "counseling" thing sounds like semantics, but I really think there's something there...I've battled a lot with whether the counseling arrangement in my sitch is really doing much good, and whether a focus on "coaching" with someone else, if we ever get to reconciliation, might be a better path.

As for the battle about trusting stability, I know exactly how that feels, even though my H and I are not as far along as you are, and might never make it to a moment of reconciliation. I struggle a lot right now with whether I'll be able to progress past the insecurity issues I now have, especially given that I've always struggled with depending on someone (in the direction of depending and trusting them, rather than too much trust). I suppose everyone in this situation has to get to a point of acceptance with that fear, because I don't think the fear will truly go away anytime soon. After all, the fear is rational. As the LBS, our WAS did, after all, walk away.