Moving On

[may22]

Hope-- thanks for saying that. It is something inside of me that I simply cannot change. I can't really explain it better than that. Breaking up the family and having any responsibility in that feels like the most enormous betrayal that would be on my conscience forever. Yes, I know I'm not the one who cheated etc. That isn't on me. But what I do now IS on me.

My H understands it to some degree, though not as deeply as I do-- he also thinks (if only I were willing) that we still WILL be a family. He says over and over I am his family and will always be his family. That we can do whatever we want to do to be sure the kids have everything they need etc. And the truth is... I can see that, possibly. If we worked on our M with AP completely out of the picture and got to a place where we both looked each other in the eyes and said, you know, ILY but we're better off apart than together. In that case, I could see keeping a strong friendship with him and co-parent together. But with the betrayal of the AP and her potential sticking around in his life-- without him giving it more than this half-a$$ed few months when we weren't even able to be in counseling-- I just can't do that.

Ugh. I'm feeling unsettled again today. H went surfing and last Saturday when he surfed was when he called AP, on his way home. Although, it is kind of strange-- as I focus on how I feel about him possibly being on the phone with her, it doesn't bother me half as much as it would have in January. The other person he usually calls on this drive is his mom, so I have this other fantasy that he called his mom and told her what is going on and she is giving him a little reality dart. I still am also harboring another fantasy that this is a relapse and not a complete collapse and part of the process we had to go through. Anyway, I know none of this is under my control and I just need to let it go. Focus on myself and my beautiful daughters. And, FWIW, managed to be relatively detached-seeming for the past two days. No R talks. Yay for me!